Categories: Drama
You can drop the detail around the PI. ?Like Nir said they are hired in secret and they investigate, so just "hires PI is fine.
curiously is okay by me. ?They've been dating for ages, she's always hinting, he asks, she says no.
Even the PI being crap is okay.. Thing I think is lacking is the goal. How goes figuring out truth from fiction win back his girlfriend? ?Explain that instead.
I refer you back to my original post; why hire a PI?
It simply makes no sense in the context of his dramatic premise - if he wants to marry this one girl and she rejects, no amount of new information that he learns, no matter how he learns it, will change her mind. Look at it from his perspective, except for her rejecting him, how does he know something is up?
Point is, the inciting incident (rejection) doesn't logically connect via a cause and effect relationship to the goal (get the girl back). Is there something else that could happen to him that's out of the ordinary that would logically cause him to need to find out the truth?
This is confusing.
How can a proposal be "...curiously rejected..."? It can either be rejected or accepted, the qualifier "...curiously..." seems strange.
Hiring a PI is done in secret, that's obvious and need not be specified in the logline.
What is the PI hired to investigate? Why she said 'no'? That is a very strange way to deal with rejection, possibly confront her, maybe ask her family and friends, but hiring a PI seems way off.
Why would the PI follow the wrong girl? He's not a very good PI then... Wouldn't the MC fire him once he finds out he's following the wrong girl? Otherwise, the premise makes little sense, why go along with an incompetent PI that's following the wrong person?!
I think that you're trying to imply that he lives in his own little dream world if so how is he going to go about learning the difference between truth and fiction - the action he takes is unclear.
Lastly, why would he want to get back together with a girl that rejected him? She said 'no' there's not much to win back, or am I missing something?
