Categories: Student Loglines
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Agreed with the above, as noted on the previous drafts of this logline, there are too many plot elements mentioned and too many descriptions used.
Another major problem with this logline is in the concept. I still can't?see (after the many iterations) a logical connection, or in other words a motivating element, in the inciting incident. How does getting kicked out of his parent's house motivate him to have to become a porn star/famous person or to travel to Bali to save his own life. Drug addiction, yes I get it, but that does not have a direct causality with the inciting incident, rather it's another obstacle on his way and likely not in act 1.
If for example his goal would be to prove to his parent or father that he can be successful without their help, and to achieve this he decides to "make it in LA" then the connection is made. However in this instance I would find this character both naive
and silly.
I think you have an interesting character with many flaws - drug addiction, alcohol addiction, low self esteem and a lack of focus in life.
Best if you were to break the concept down to its bare essentials - how does this flawed character logically get motivated to do what?
Yes, as said before it is too long. You are trying to include too much in the logline. You have an inciting incident which is a good start, and a goal, but what drives this character? I think the easiest way to shorten it would to be: Inciting incident(kicked out of home)+goal(to be famous+ reason for this goal to matter.
Also, just a thought, but instead of "wildly out of control" you could just say "wild", cutting 3 words(adverbs such as 'wildly' tend to require more words. Overall, I think you're just trying to include too much of the plot, try to cut it to just the inciting incident and what that causes.
This logline replicates all the issues in the previous iterations. ?Chief among them is that at 64 words it is too long. ?As pointed out in another posting on a statistical study of 675 loglines, the overwhelming majority of ?loglines for movies come in at 30 words or less, none exceed 40 words.
So as an exercise, I suggest cutting and trimming this down to no more than 40 words. ?I don't know what those 40 words should be. It's your story. ?All I know is that to get this logline read by the movers and shakers in Hollywood, you need to shorten it at least ?1/3.
For how to do that, I recommend basic guidelines for composing an industry standard logline covered ?under "Training" at the top of the web page.
