When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed by a car salesman he enlists the salesman’s captivating assistant to help seek compensation but her unorthodox methods and pranking involvement becomes creepy.

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4 reviews

Wayne · Samurai · 710 pts

Thanks Nir,? I see what you mean!? Below is another draft.?? I could cut off the end about the "assistant", but she is a big part of the story (an ally shapeshifting to villain):

When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed and left without a car to operate his business, he seeks compensation but deviates into darker territory of vengeful blackmail, robbery and murder when he is wooed by the scammer's sociopathic assistant.

Any tips / comments are greatly? appreciated.

Neer Shelter · Singularity · 39,985 pts

The logline doesn't describe a clear goal for the protagonist, what does "...he ventures into a world vengeful trickery and unimagined violence?" mean? What will it look like?

Secondly I don't think the assistant has any relevance in the last draft of the logline. She is either one of the obstacles the main character will face or a strange ally, either way cut her out and clear up the goal description. I still fail to see the stakes in the concept, a prankster gets scammed is no biggi and him seeking revenge comes across as a negative goal so if he does;t achieve it also no biggi.
What will happen should he fail to successfully exact his revenge?

Wayne · Samurai · 710 pts

Thanks Karel, your suggestions really opened it up for me.? I've come up with several more ideas, but decided on this trimmed down version.? What do you think?:

When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed by a car salesman and wooed by the sociopathic assistant, he ventures into a world vengeful trickery and unimagined violence.