When an ex-con returns home to find his estranged daughter depressed by an ugly world, he aims to make the entire town litter-free in an attempt to win her back.

by Scott Danzig · Samurai · 1,585 pts 0 views

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I reworked my concept a bit, although I still have my idea focused on litter cleanup. I figure the relationship with his daughter is sufficient stakes. The goal is achievable and specific and visual. I figure picking up litter is something a prisoner might be used to doing, so it seems a natural fit. I feel where I can see this story ending is no longer comedic, so it works better as a drama now.

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Scott Danzig · Samurai · 1,585 pts

Okay, so the problem I was having is that it seemed weird to have "must" for something relating to picking up trash... and I see why you were leaning toward "clean up the place"... litter seems like an oddly specific choice. But it's achievable and concrete, unlike also including removing all the graffiti, getting people off the streets, sheltering stray animals, maybe lessening crime... it's ambiguous, which was part of dpg's feedback was when I tried to not be so specific. And mike was thinking that an ex-con with an estranged daughter was painfully cliche. He thought the terminal man with lung cancer was better... but I thought that was just as cliche.

So after all of the feedback I've gotten, what do you think of this?

When an indicted drug-dealer finds her kid brother depressed by her town’s infamous squalor, she must help him make it litter-free before her court date in an effort to see him smile again.

thedarkhorse · Mentor · 3,495 pts

One more attempt...

When he finds out his estranged daughter is festering in a squalid town, an ex-con must clean up the place, in an effort to save her soul.