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When a young mother encounters a random woman in a crowd, she is mysteriously filled with an unceasing desire to kill her, and must do so before the other woman kills her first.
I agree with Nir. Right now, we have no context and I get the feeling the logline is?a single moment in an entire movie. I don't see a story that will take 90 to 120 mins to tell. ??I think the way?you've written your logline is confusing. Let's break it down --Inciting Incident - When the young motRead more
I agree with Nir. Right now, we have no context and I get the feeling the logline is?a single moment in an entire movie. I don’t see a story that will take 90 to 120 mins to tell. ??I think the way?you’ve written your logline is confusing.
Let’s break it down —
Inciting Incident – When the young mother encounters a random woman and is filled with a desire to kill
Why would an encounter with a stranger fill this?young mother, let alone anybody with a desire to kill??Is she possessed by a demon? Is she being controlled by some other kind of entity? If she’s just suddenly filled with murderous rage,?I’m 100% certain people will hate this character straight off the bat.
Main Character & Flaw
Young mother. No flaw. Why are you choosing to write this?specific character?
Compelling Action
To kill a random?woman – I?can’t see this?as a movie. I?imagine, that if the young mother is filled with bloodlust, she could kill the other woman in an instant. The movie is over.??
Stakes
See lessHer life – however, because she’s a nut I don’t want her to succeed.
In a futuristic Utopian city, built up in the sky, no form of institution like religion, nationality, marriage exists. It is strictly illegal for any couple to stay together for more than 3 months. A young couple almost end of their 3 months tenure found it impossible to part away and decided to flee down back to the old earth, a place only existed in their history books and which nobody has traveled from the city for last two centuries.
Your logline is really long. Loglines?usually have a 25 to 30 word limit. Yours is 80 but most of the elements are there. You have a futuristic/alternate universe situation which you establish clearly. The main characters are the couple. A goal - to escape.I had a stab at it using the standard logliRead more
Your logline is really long. Loglines?usually have a 25 to 30 word limit. Yours is 80 but most of the elements are there. You have a futuristic/alternate universe situation which you establish clearly. The main characters are the couple. A goal – to escape.
I had a stab at it using the standard logline formula.
When something happens, the flawed character/s must do the action/achieve the goal or else something bad will happen.
In a future where?relationships lasting more than 3 months are illegal, a young couple unwilling to part ways?must escape their totalitarian society before they are imprisoned.
I think your story concept of lovers running away?isn’t original, however the world of the story would be (I’m sure you have a million interesting details in your head). It is the kind of movie that I would pay to see because I love unique worlds portrayed on screen.
It’s execution dependant so your script execution will need to be top notch.?
See lessAn entrepreneurial high schooler begins selling sex toys to neighborhood parents to raise money for a car but when his kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, he turns it into a fundraising campaign – with an increasing number of his classmates – to pay for her treatments.
I agree with Nir.?For the story to?work in our current time it would have to be on the internet. As Nir said, sex toys are not perishables.?People don't need to buy them all the time. To get the turnover needed the character would need to sell online to a larger?community. Perhaps he could specialisRead more
I agree with Nir.?For the story to?work in our current time it would have to be on the internet. As Nir said, sex toys are not perishables.?People don’t need to buy them all the time. To get the turnover needed the character would need to sell online to a larger?community. Perhaps he could specialise in a specific kind of sex toy? What if he?makes a special product that no one else has? He is an entrepreneur after all.
Below I’ve broken your logline into the more standard format —
When his kid sister is diagnosed with cancer, an ?entrepreneurial high schooler sells sex toys to neighbourhood parents with the help of his classmates to raise money??for her treatments.
I think a lot of the elements are there. You have the?inciting incident – sister getting cancer. You have a main character – the entrepreneurial high schooler. Perhaps be more specific with this?high schooler??What’s his flaw? Is he a prude? Is he a jock? Why would sales of sex toys be hard for this character? He’s already an entrepreneur. Starting a business isn’t hard for him, so he must have a reasonable amount of confidence in himself.?You also need to communicate how dangerous the cancer is. Is it fatal? Is she going to die tomorrow or wither over the next ten years? The stakes are implied in the cancer but I think you need a ticking clock to get the tension going.? It’s open ended as it is now.
Which gets me thinking…is this for a 90 to 120 min movie? Or a TV series? I’m?picking up echoes of Breaking Bad.
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