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Using a mysterious equation to predict how and when he’ll die, a wealthy businessman must kill a corrupt government official to prevent his untimely demise, but when things go awry he starts to question if he is preventing or creating his fate.
I think the last part could be compressed. Also, try to find a character description that seems relevant to the logline. For the logline, why does it matter that he's a wealthy business man? My suggestion: After an equation predicts how and when he'll die, a man tries to battle his fate by killing aRead more
I think the last part could be compressed.
See lessAlso, try to find a character description that seems relevant to the logline. For the logline, why does it matter that he’s a wealthy business man?
My suggestion: After an equation predicts how and when he’ll die, a man tries to battle his fate by killing a corrupt senator.(Specifying what kind of official will also cut out a word.
When America is pushed to the brink of civil war by terrorism, a president is forced to take drastic nuclear action, but in doing so kills the child of the deadliest man the world.
So? What I mean is simple, why does it matter that this man's son is killed? So is the president the MC?
So?
See lessWhat I mean is simple, why does it matter that this man’s son is killed?
So is the president the MC?
When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.
A?very interesting idea, and you've improved a lot from the previous logline. I agree with dpg, you make the case personal by making it his sister, ?but then when you say estranged, it honestly just kind of brings too many questions into the logline. If they're no longer close, why would he take theRead more
A?very interesting idea, and you’ve improved a lot from the previous logline.
See lessI agree with dpg, you make the case personal by making it his sister, ?but then when you say estranged, it honestly just kind of brings too many questions into the logline. If they’re no longer close, why would he take the case? Also, I think you should just cut out the addiction part because right now it doesn’t seem to add much, unless you turned it into a situation where his addiction usually gets in the way of his job and he puts it aside to solve this case, or if his addiction will interfere with this job, which would serve to add to the MC’s character.
Some suggestions to cut some more words to get it under 30:
-“Teams up with” to “works with”
-Remove “estranged” as I said above.
-“found dead” to “murdered”
-For the logline it will probably just be best to cut “drug addicted” ?all together.
-Possibly cut “police” and just say “android detective”
-“to solve the mystery why” to “figure out why” or maybe “learn why”, a couple of different options there.
If you want to, I suppose you could add, “In a futuristic world” but I do think that the implication of the latter part may be sufficient. Or perhaps even say, “When his sister is murdered by an android” or something.
Like dpg said, strong concept.