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After a ship is shot down on a remote desert planet, the surviving Marine’s only hope of survival, and getting off the planet, is in a nearby mining town which is being torn apart by two feuding gangs.
"Putting on it another planet (Mars or whatever) raises all kinds of exposition issues. ?I still don?t understand what?s the dramatic point of putting the conflict on a remote planet." It's sci-fi, so he wants it to be on different planet. Depending on what kind of terrain it is, it would be a simplRead more
“Putting on it another planet (Mars or whatever) raises all kinds of exposition issues. ?I still don?t understand what?s the dramatic point of putting the conflict on a remote planet.”
See lessIt’s sci-fi, so he wants it to be on different planet. Depending on what kind of terrain it is, it would be a simple thing to film it without CGI, like if it were a jungle or something. I understand that you think it will probably be something that increases production costs, but he hasn’t specified what the planet is like, and I don’t see much point in trying to stifle the sci-fi element he is pursuing. What’s the point of even having the ships and whatever other tech, then? May as well just be a regular action movie.
Like I said, I understand what you’re getting at, but in sci-fi, and in fantasy, world building is most of the fun. Star Wars wouldn’t be the same if it were on Earth. The same goes for Firefly.
Personally, I don’t think every piece of world building needs to have a dramatic point to the story. It shouldn’t distract and such, but I think it is okay to build a world that the plot doesn’t depend on, necessarily. Does Star Wars actually need to explore multiple planets and species? No. But it does.
That’s just my two cents.
After a ship is shot down on a remote desert planet, the surviving Marine’s only hope of survival, and getting off the planet, is in a nearby mining town which is being torn apart by two feuding gangs.
"After a ship is shot down on a remote desert planet, the surviving Marine?s only hope of survival, and getting off the planet, is in a nearby mining town which is being torn apart by two feuding gangs." You changed the cause of inciting incident, but most of it seems the same. To help, simply fillRead more
“After a ship is shot down on a remote desert planet, the surviving Marine?s only hope of survival, and getting off the planet, is in a nearby mining town which is being torn apart by two feuding gangs.”
You changed the cause of inciting incident, but most of it seems the same. To help, simply fill in this template, I will fill it in with what I understand to be the your intention:
MC ?character adjective: Marine(possibly include a personality trait, or physical hindrance as well)
Inciting incident, what causes him to set the story goal: His ship is shot down
The goal he sets, the conflict that is resolved at the climax: To send a signal to his fleet
And the action he initially sets out to achieve that goal: Get to the closest town which he can do that.
The problem in both of your versions is that you’re focusing too much on the obstacle-the two gangs which control the town. So here is my example:
When his ship is shot down, a Marine?must stop two gangs from tearing a town apart so he can use their equipment to send a signal to his fleet and be rescued. (~33 words)
Is his sole goal for himself to be rescued? You may want to consider that he has valuable cargo on his crashed ship, or an injured friend that needs rescue. Or at least that he has a specific reason to be rescued right now, like he is needed in a battle elsewhere.
See lessBut anyway, that’s the story as I understand it. Good luck.
After his ship crashes on a remote planet, the surviving Marine tries to get back to the front but finds himself in a mining town ruled by two rival gangs. He must stop the gangs fighting to get out of there alive.
"After his ship crashes on a remote planet, the surviving Marine tries to get back to the front but finds himself in a mining town ruled by two rival gangs. He must stop the gangs fighting to get out of there alive." Example:??After his ship crashes in a mining town on a remote planet, a Marine mustRead more
“After his ship crashes on a remote planet, the surviving Marine tries to get back to the front but finds himself in a mining town ruled by two rival gangs. He must stop the gangs fighting to get out of there alive.”
Example:??After his ship crashes in a mining town on a remote planet, a Marine must stop the two rival gangs from tearing the town apart so he can repair his ship to get home. (34 words)
Is his goal to repair/find a new ship, and the gangs are the obstacles? You need to make the goal clear, because as an inciting incident, his ship crashing doesn’t logical mean he must fight two gangs.
See less