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After his son is shot in a drive-by, a gangster must use his crippled werewolf abilities to kill the vengeful vampire who has been attacking his gang.
>>>She doesn?t openly use her vampire powers in the middle of the day because of the aforementioned hush-hush nature of magicIsn't the conventional rule that vampires have to lie low in the day time because sunlight will kill them?IMHO: ?If you kill the son off at the beginning (for whateveRead more
>>>She doesn?t openly use her vampire powers in the middle of the day because of the aforementioned hush-hush nature of magic
Isn’t the conventional rule that vampires have to lie low in the day time because sunlight will kill them?
IMHO: ?If you kill the son off at the beginning (for whatever reason) the story loses a source of ever greater complications and dramatic tension, ongoing jeopardy and suspense. Keeping the son alive (maybe she tries to kill him but fails) ?gives the father something more –a lot more — to worry about, and?therefore, the audience a lot more to worry about. ?Other than his own life what greater threat does the vampire pose to him than the ongoing threat of her killing his son (or seducing him into becoming a vampire)?
I think the son is too good for the sake of the longer arc of the narrative to have him killed in the 1st Act.
fwiw
See lessAnother rewrite: When a young Muslim woman with dream for true love finds love outside her faith, her betrothed seeks to avenge his honor and the honor of his family.
I think you have the raw material for a compelling human drama, but this version hides what originally hooked my interest and what I think makes the story stand out as different, unique from the 10001 stories about star-crossed romance.Romeo was looking for true love, too. But that's not the plot ofRead more
I think you have the raw material for a compelling human drama, but this version hides what originally hooked my interest and what I think makes the story stand out as different, unique from the 10001 stories about star-crossed romance.
Romeo was looking for true love, too. But that’s not the plot of Shakespeare’s immortal play. ?The plot is about what happens after he falls in love with a specific girl, Juliet.
So be specific.
That includes being specific about the setting, Norway, and her status, that she’s an emigrant. ?Otherwise, logline readers are going to assume the setting is in the Middle East. ?Maybe in Israel (“outside her faith” could mean he’s Jewish) or Egypt (where “outside her faith” could mean he’s Coptic).
The setting is a distinguishing feature, a central element of the story hook, and the logline should advertise it.
See lessAfter his son is shot in a drive-by, a gangster must use his crippled werewolf abilities to kill the vengeful vampire who has been attacking his gang.
>>>>? I want to say that there are only three supernaturals even in the story, so it?s not a gang made up of werewolves vs. a gang made up of vampiresOh.So I read more into the logline than I should have. ?I wonder if I my misreading is atypical or a potential pitfall other readers willRead more
>>>>? I want to say that there are only three supernaturals even in the story, so it?s not a gang made up of werewolves vs. a gang made up of vampires
Oh.
So I read more into the logline than I should have. ?I wonder if I my misreading is atypical or a potential pitfall other readers will fall into.
I am inclined to the opinion that a gang of werewolves vs. a clan of vampires is a stronger hook. ?Particularly as you’re imagining a fairly violent story: ?werewolves going claw-to-fang with vampires is a much stronger visual.
Here’s where I initially got confused: ?the logline says that a werewolf’s son was shot by ?a vampire. Shot — not bled to death? ?Guns instead of fangs??
Okay, I’m overthinking the story. ?However, vampires and werewolves are stock characters of the genre which means they come with certain conventions, certain expectations on the part of the audience.
Of course, if you’ve got a unique twist on those conventions — great. ?But I don’t see it, yet.
Werewolf versus vampire always brings to mind the Twilight saga. ?Which did have a unique twist on the conventions: ?an immortal vampire teen boy and mortal girl fall in love. ?That’s the inciting incident of the franchise. ?It triggers a conflict arising from what is unique about being a vampire.
In contrast, I see nothing in the inciting incident that incorporates what is unique to either werewolves or vampires. ?It’s standard-issue drive-by shooting. ?Not revenge by an involuntary “blood donation” — but by a bullet. ? Unlike in the Twilight saga, the inciting incident in this logline doesn’t seem to have a unique play on the convention for either vampires or ?werewolves.
Maybe you’ve got a unique play on the conventions. ?My point is that if you’re ?through line is a battle between a werewolf and a vampire, imho, the logline would be strengthened ?by an inciting incident that incorporates something that is particular to being a vampire (or werewolf).
To frame my response from another perspective: ?what is ?the story hook for you that compels you to want to write the script? ?Why MUST you write this story?
I realize that’s beyond the standard scope of a discussion, but sometimes knowing the personal hook for the author can be useful in identifying the universal hook for the movie audience.
fwiw
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