1. Posted: February 18, 2017In:

    When a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.

    dpg Singularity

    Not that it needs to be in the logline, but what do they have on him that they can use as blackmail to force him to participate in the heist? If he doesn't comply, he goes back to prison. If he complies, he still risks going back to prison if they're caught. ?So either way, the possibility of prisonRead more

    Not that it needs to be in the logline, but what do they have on him that they can use as blackmail to force him to participate in the heist?

    If he doesn’t comply, he goes back to prison. If he complies, he still risks going back to prison if they’re caught. ?So either way, the possibility of prison hangs over him like the sword of Damocles. ?That’s not a bad thing, dramatically. ?I just want to understand that ?the choices he faces are prison as a certainty versus prison as a possibility.

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  2. Posted: February 18, 2017In:

    When a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.

    dpg Singularity

    Benny:Parsing your revised version still leaves questions in my mind. ?As written, it seems to say that his objective goal is to go along with the heist so he can find his father. ?Is that what you intend to mean by saying he will ? "do anything and risk everything"? Or is his objective goal to findRead more

    Benny:

    Parsing your revised version still leaves questions in my mind. ?As written, it seems to say that his objective goal is to go along with the heist so he can find his father. ?Is that what you intend to mean by saying he will ? “do anything and risk everything”? Or is his objective goal to find his father before ?(ticking clock) the heist takes place?

    And if it is the latter, I’m still having trouble believing the crooked foster family would let him out of their sight, let him go look for his father. ?Because if they let him search and he succeeds, there goes the leverage they have over him. ?(Another reason they wouldn’t let him out of their sight would be for fear he’d snitch to the police.)

    Please clarify.

    Also, now that I know that the story is set in Australia, is the kid European or Aboriginal? ?It occurs to me that if he were the latter and the foster family is the former, it might intensify his sense of alienation and isolation and strengthen his motivation to find his father as well as reconnect with his ethnic roots. ? However, I don’t know if the?current policy is to?allow the placement Aboriginal orphans with non-Aboriginal families. ?(I do know that in the United States, the general policy is now to make every effort to place Native American orphans with a family of their tribe. ?Or at least their ethnic kind.)

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  3. Posted: February 18, 2017In:

    When a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.

    dpg Singularity

    I would refocus the logline around the immediate and ?central objective problem that drives the story, the heist. ?The inciting incident is the foster kid's discovery of the plan. ? Is there a sense of urgency, a ticking clock, limited time to do something about it? ?And what?Why doesn't he just goRead more

    I would refocus the logline around the immediate and ?central objective problem that drives the story, the heist. ?The inciting incident is the foster kid’s discovery of the plan. ? Is there a sense of urgency, a ticking clock, limited time to do something about it? ?And what?

    Why doesn’t he just go to the cops, tip them off? ? Or simply run away, have himself get caught by the cops and be returned to the safety of the state ward, ?farmed out to someone else? ?I mean, there just seems to be so many other solutions to his problem of not being involved in the heist — and faster — than searching for his father.

    And, if the foster parents are going to use him for the heist, wouldn’t they keep him under control, confine him to the premises? ? How is he going to be able to search for his father when they won’t let him out of their sight? ? And while it’s plausible he could stumble upon the heist, why would the foster parents trust him — an outsider to the family — to be a reliable accessory ?to their heist, even under coercion?

    I think there’s a potentially good story here, but the concept needs polishing.

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