nouveaustudios, re:

>>I think the hook is already embedded into the logline based on the fact that it?s a fictional love story about Edison.

Here our pov’s diverge. ?I would see it as a hook if it was at least “inspired by” real events in Edison’s life. ?By, afik, it isn’t. ?If my pov is an outlier, if it turns out that a fictional love story is the irresistible hook for the people who really matter, ?who give the green light and write the checks, I’ll will gladly acknowledge you have proved me wrong. ? But until then, we’ll just have to agree that we disagree.?That horse is now officially flogged to death, and I see no point in beating it further.

>> Edison and another company did actually compete in a fierce competition during the 1893 Worlds Fair to light up the event.

I was fully aware of that when I posted last night — but that’s 22 years after Edision 1st married, ?seven years after he remarried. Edison was a middle aged man by then. ?To be sure, a?certain elasticity with chronology is tolerated?– necessary — for the sake of dramatic needs. I’m doing it myself for some events in the script I’m writing, adjusting ?the chronology by weeks and months in a few scenes. But not years, certainly not decades.

I have a 2nd question in my template about hooks: What is the hook in this story for you the writer? Why do you want to write a love story featuring Thomas Edison?

This is not germane to the structure of the ?logline or script of course. But I ask it in order to apprehend what there is about the story that you find so appealing, so compelling. ? What do you see in Thomas Edison that I apparently do not?

Noveaustudios:

First of all, I want to commend you for fighting for your story. ?I respect that.

Over time, I have developed a template for evaluating loglines in detail. ?FWIW, here’s my detailed “data dump” on your logline:

Does it have a strong hook?
For a spec script, I consider this to be?the most important question to ask. ?A strong hook can overcome a multitude of flaws in the logline and plot. ?A weak hook can’t.

The protagonist’s problem is well-defined. But, IMHO, it’s not particularly original. Well, as the writer Willa Cather said, “There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened.”

Which I take to mean that if you’re going to tell the same old story with an historical character, it strengthens the concept if it actually happened. My point is that truth is not only stranger than fiction, it’s also more compelling. Bottom line: It would be good hook if young Edison actually suffered this romantic predicament. But he didn’t.

How novel is the idea?
As noted, it’s not novel as a fictional story line. It could be novel if it were based upon an actual historical episode in Edison’s life.

Who is the protagonist?
Thomas Edison. Clearly defined, no problem there.

Does he have a character flaw?
None stated. I’m guessing he’s too young, doesn’t have the age or career success as the basis to assert his claim for her hand in marriage.

What is the inciting incident (II)?
Implicit that he’s rebuffed in his suit and faces a rival suitor. ? Good enough.

Does it create a true dilemma?
Not absolutely necessary but it strengthens a logline when obvious. ?If not obvious in the logline, it must be somewhere in the story proper.
I see a genuine predicament, but not a true dilemma. (A true dilemma is one where the protagonist is damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. He’s trapped between two equally appealing or equally unappealing choices and he MUST choose one and only one.)

What becomes his objective goal (OG)?
Clearly defined: win the invention prize so as to win her father’s approval.

Who is the antagonist?
The father. And there’s a rival suitor. And I presume there are serious rivals at the World’s Fair. He should face credible competition; his entry shouldn’t be a slam dunk. Winning the prize should be in doubt.

Are there are obvious stakes?
Obvious and almost sufficient: to win the hand of the woman he loves. I say almost because it might strengthen the dramatic tension if he also needed to win the prize to advance his career.

Is there a ticking clock?
Yes. There is an alternate suitor and a deadline for the contest at the fair.

What is his character strength or defining characteristic?
None specified. But we would know enough about Edison to know he’s ambitious, tireless, inventive.

Is there a clear causal link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)?
Implied. We know enough that Edison is an inventor so we can accept that this is his m.o. to overcome the father’s resistance, impress her and win her heart and hand.

Is the OG forced or voluntary?
The goal is voluntary.

What is the subjective need?
He wants love, like everyone else. (I presume the script would show this need for love in contrast, that is, how he has sacrificed love for years in pursuit of a career. It would also create a dilemma — hence amplify dramatic tension — if he he reaches a cross roads in his life where he must choose between winning her love or the winning prize — and he doesn’t seem able to win ?both. )?

Is there a unifying theme?
The triumph of persistent and true love, I guess

My take away:
As noted, I think that logline lacks a strong hook because the episode is not based upon ?or “inspired by” actual historical events, Edison’s real life romance with his 1st wife.
As noted, I have reservations about the liberties taken with Edison’s biography. This story has to compete with a film in pre-production about Edison’s fierce struggle with Tesla and Westinghouse over DC vs AC current. ?The stakes were enormous: incalculable billions of dollars in revenues and profits, the entire future of electrical production in the United States. ?

And it actually happened.

fwiw