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Arriving in Australia to find her brother missing and the police unwilling to conduct an investigation, a relentless Indian woman follows clues and her gut as she heads deeper into a dangerous underground world of racism and hatred.
This is certainly a topical story idea.A crude rewriteWhen an Indian woman comes to Australia to find out why her brother has vanished, she must overcome the ethnic hatred of the local police chief and community to discover what happened before her visa expires.(36 words)Notes:*Hit the ground with tRead more
This is certainly a topical story idea.
A crude rewrite
When an Indian woman comes to Australia to find out why her brother has vanished, she must overcome the ethnic hatred of the local police chief and community to discover what happened before her visa expires.
(36 words)
Notes:
*Hit the ground with the plot in 1st gear. shifting into 2nd.? She’s visiting Australia because he’s vanished.? No one she’s contacted from India has a clue or seems to care.
*ID the main character sooner rather than 1/2 way into the logline.
* Suggest persistent or tenacious may be better terms for her defining characteristic.
*The general ethnic bias lacks a face.? It should be personified in a primary antagonist.? Like a police chief who has no interest in investigating his disappearance .
* Visa:? inserts a ticking clock, a deadline, for her to solve the case. (Albeit, the standard tourist visa is good for 12 weeks.? Maybe too long for the narrative.? Maybe there an be some constraint that requires her to leave sooner.? Like she only has so much money.? Whatever.)
Best wishes with the script.
fwiw
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See lessAfter the climate change destroyed the balance between the real and fantastic world in Kamakura, a young woman whit magical Powers decides to contact two documentary filmakers to help her investigaste the supernatural events that happen in the city.
An interesting concept but I suggest it needs fleshing out.?? For one thing, using global warming as an inciting incident seems to be a throw away unless the supernatural events pose some kind of climate related or climate caused threat.? Which the logline does not indicate.So what is the dramatic sRead more
An interesting concept but I suggest it needs fleshing out.?? For one thing, using global warming as an inciting incident seems to be a throw away unless the supernatural events pose some kind of climate related or climate caused threat.? Which the logline does not indicate.
So what is the dramatic significance of the events?? What dramatic problem do they create? What threat do they pose?? There’s not much drama if she’s only investigating out of curiosity. Why must she not just investigate? but also do something about the events?? What is her ultimate objective goal?? What’s at stake?
And why must she enlist the two film makers to document whatever is going on.? She has magical powers — isn’t that enough to deal with the problem?
See lessA compulsive liar turns into a werewolf exactly 22 minutes after knowingly giving false information.
And then what? What becomes his objective goal as a result of his predicament?? The logline sets up a predicament.? What is the plot that arises from the predicament? (How long does he stay in werewolf mode, anyway? Does it wear off or is it a one-off?)
And then what?
What becomes his objective goal as a result of his predicament?? The logline sets up a predicament.? What is the plot that arises from the predicament?
(How long does he stay in werewolf mode, anyway? Does it wear off or is it a one-off?)
See less