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A smart sophisticated business woman comes across a document that ends up pushing her to a limit beyond her control.
As others have noted.? The logline is vague and presents her as a passive, reactive victim of the document.? Protagonist's are supposed to be proactive not reactive. The document contains a discovery.? The discovery constitutes the inciting incident. That needs to be stated with greater specificity.Read more
As others have noted.? The logline is vague and presents her as a passive, reactive victim of the document.? Protagonist’s are supposed to be proactive not reactive.
The document contains a discovery.? The discovery constitutes the inciting incident. That needs to be stated with greater specificity.
As a result of this discovery, she must do something.? What must she do?? What becomes her objective goal?
I suggest you consult “Formula” at the top of the web page for guidelines on writing an industry standard logline.
fwiw
See lessWhen a famous tennis player have his wife murdered by a psychotic socialite he met on the train, he needs to prove his innocence in a crisscross murder he never agreed to.
Yeah, moviefreak81, you picked a good one, a movie with "A" list screen credits:? a Patricia Highsmith story, no less,? adapted by Raymond Chandler, no less, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, no less. I? haven't seen the movie, only know of it by its reputation -- and IMDB summary.? That said, here's myRead more
Yeah, moviefreak81, you picked a good one, a movie with “A” list screen credits:? a Patricia Highsmith story, no less,? adapted by Raymond Chandler, no less, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, no less.
I? haven’t seen the movie, only know of it by its reputation — and IMDB summary.? That said, here’s my awkward, provisional take:
After refusing a stranger’s offer to kill his hated wife in exchange for his killing the stranger’s hated father, a man must prove his innocence when the stranger fulfills his offer and kills his wife.
(35 words)
At 35 words, the logline borders on what I consider to be the red line for logline length.? As I mentioned, I have built up a database closing in on 800 loglines.? And I have (yet) to encounter a plot line I wasn’t able to formulate in 40 words or less.? From which I conclude that? 15 words or less is High Concept, 25 words or less is the ideal; 26 – 35 is acceptable;? 36-40 is tolerable — barely.? Anything over 40 words is too long.
For your consideration, here is a chart of the distribution of word lengths that forms the basis for my own criteria:
[img]https://loglines.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/10/Loglines781.jpg[/img]
See lessAfter having her father killed, a farm girl must endure a journey with a tough US marshall to get her revenge.
Foxtrot25:Your take does flow better and is leaner at 18 words.? Although I'm? inclined to include an adjective to define the girl.? Maybe tenacious.? To signal that she's the protagonist -- not the Marshal she hires.? She doesn't remain down on the farm, plowing fields, herding the cattle while theRead more
Foxtrot25:
Your take does flow better and is leaner at 18 words.? Although I’m? inclined to include an adjective to define the girl.? Maybe tenacious.? To signal that she’s the protagonist — not the Marshal she hires.? She doesn’t remain down on the farm, plowing fields, herding the cattle while the Marshal undertakes all the jeopardy of venturing into dangerous territory.
Perhaps your version is good enough for a film with a story already has a? pre-sold story line in the form of a best-selling book.? But is it good enough for a script developed ex nihilo by an unknown, unproven, unconnected writer?? That’s the question on my mind every time I evaluate loglines for scripts already made into movies.
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