Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
REVISED: After WW III, a grieving journeyman electrician trapped in a secret underground AI lab, discovers two other survivors. Two arch enemies, both soliciting his help and holding the key to his escape, redemption and the future of humanity.
Another thing I would point out is that people can only read the words of the logline; they can't read what you are thinking in your head. The revised logline says the electrician is in the AI lab where he encounters "two survivors". It doesn't *specifically* say the two survivors are AI's. It may bRead more
Another thing I would point out is that people can only read the words of the logline; they can’t read what you are thinking in your head.
The revised logline says the electrician is in the AI lab where he encounters “two survivors”. It doesn’t *specifically* say the two survivors are AI’s. It may be clear to YOU, the author, that the two survivors are AI’s, but it was not immediately clear to me. I only figured it out by reading your additional notes.
That the electrician is dealing with two AI’s is your primary plot gimmick, the story hook. The logline needs to clearly state that critical information.
fwiw
See lessREVISED: After WW III, a grieving journeyman electrician trapped in a secret underground AI lab, discovers two other survivors. Two arch enemies, both soliciting his help and holding the key to his escape, redemption and the future of humanity.
Interesting suggestions by Odie, but if you go with that angle... What difference does it make which AI he trusts? If the AI's are both smarter and more powerful than he is (which seems to be the case), why do they need him at all, for anything? He's only worth manipulating if he's got something theRead more
Interesting suggestions by Odie, but if you go with that angle…
What difference does it make which AI he trusts? If the AI’s are both smarter and more powerful than he is (which seems to be the case), why do they need him at all, for anything?
He’s only worth manipulating if he’s got something the two AI’s don’t have but must have in order to prevail. What unique capacity or knowledge does he have but they don’t that would make him the pivotal character who can tip the balance in the power struggle?
See lessA gay boy and girl, bullied in their youth form a deep friendship and as they turn into young adults they hear of a boy who was bullied to death, so they enroll in the high school that the boy attended, and use their amazing computer skills to get revenge on the bully by infiltrating her inner circle and using social media to turn the tables.
If you haven't already done so, I suggest you read Karel Segers' suggestions for composing an industry acceptable logline under the topic "Formula" at the top of the web page. Film is a visual medium and each element in a logline should invoke in a reader's mind an image, a visual. So what will "turRead more
If you haven’t already done so, I suggest you read Karel Segers’ suggestions for composing an industry acceptable logline under the topic “Formula” at the top of the web page.
Film is a visual medium and each element in a logline should invoke in a reader’s mind an image, a visual. So what will “turn the tables” look like on the screen? What the visual? What is the nature of the specific revenge they want to inflict upon the bully? Death or…?
Yes, the logline is too long by a factor of two. A reader has to slog through almost 60 words to discover that the bully is female — and then that is disclosed only with a pronoun ,”her”, instead of a noun.
Also, the motivation of the two leads would make more sense and be more compelling if they have personal stakes in the situation and the outcome. Like, they also had developed a deep personal friendship with the boy who died. (And how did he die? Was he driven to suicide? If he did so, say so.)
See less