1. Posted: October 19, 2020In:

    To thwart the pain of diaspora and disillusionment, a local Asian-American college student pounces into the reckless lifestyle of vigilantes, triads, extremists, and violent pop-culture fanatics.

    dpg Singularity

    So what his (or her?) ethnic identity: Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Indian, Pakistani or....? I'm guessing because of the word "triads" that the main character is Chinese, but a logline reader shouldn't have to guess. It should be crystal clear. Asian-American can apply to any one of a wide range of eRead more

    So what his (or her?) ethnic identity: Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Indian, Pakistani or….? I’m guessing because of the word “triads” that the main character is Chinese, but a logline reader shouldn’t have to guess. It should be crystal clear.

    Asian-American can apply to any one of a wide range of ethnic groups. A logline that is vague, that plays hide-and-seek with need-to-know information, that requires the reader to ferret it out, is DOA. Producers won’t play along, won’t waste their precious time with the script.

    Also the main character is weak, just drifting through the plot, going with the flow of the gang lifestyle instead of driving the plot toward a specific objective goal.

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  2. Posted: October 18, 2020In:

    A jock, a hopeless romantic, and a cynic discover they each have supernatural powers beyond their imagination – and that they all love the same girl.

    dpg Singularity

    But does she love any one of them? Ultimately, isn't it her choice as to who she permanently hooks up with? Whoever has to make the pivotal decision that determines the outcome owns the story, hence should own the logline. So I suggest reframing the logline around her as the central/pivotal characteRead more

    But does she love any one of them? Ultimately, isn’t it her choice as to who she permanently hooks up with?

    Whoever has to make the pivotal decision that determines the outcome owns the story, hence should own the logline. So I suggest reframing the logline around her as the central/pivotal character. She faces a dilemma of having to choose between 3 equally cool, equally desirable fab-boys? Which one will *she* finally choose. No one boy has the total package.

    Also, it’s stronger if the logline says that the boys have *unique* superpowers. Characters need defining characteristics that differentiate. (However, because in loglines it’s about less being more, there’s no space to specify what they are. That will have to be spelled out in the pitch, developed in the script.)

    And since they have super powers, what is their super job? When they aren’t fighting against each other over her, what are they fighting for in unison? All super dudes have to have a super job, a super heroic quest/struggle they have to fulfill? It’s in the job description.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: October 11, 2020In:

    “When a group of social justice ANTIFA wannabe’s attack his retirement community, a legendary retired hitman and his old mob buddies show the young punks, they messed with the wrong town.”

    dpg Singularity

    IMHO: Having ANTIFA as the villains is a deal killer. Doubt that will be a hard sell in Hollyweird where the suits are inclined to tilt left in their political sympathies. Also while the premise promises some interesting "fun and games" when the plot shifts into 2nd gear, there 's no suspense as toRead more

    IMHO: Having ANTIFA as the villains is a deal killer. Doubt that will be a hard sell in Hollyweird where the suits are inclined to tilt left in their political sympathies.

    Also while the premise promises some interesting “fun and games” when the plot shifts into 2nd gear, there ‘s no suspense as to the outcome. Taking the premise at face value, it sets up the expectation that the tough and seasoned pros will kick amateur or semi-pro anarchic ass in the final act.

    So it would be better if the retirees are caught in a “fish out of water” situation. Like they were anti-Vietnam War protesters and/or draft dodging pacifists in their own passionate but foolish youth. Which also, btw, would give them an emotional connection to the bad guys, perhaps enable some kind more emotionally satisfying 3rd act dialectical resolution (thesis antithesis—>synthesis).

    fwiw

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