1. Posted: April 9, 2016In:

    When an entire town gets a virus from the trial of a brain-activated smart phone, a self-righteous hippy must stop the company and shut down the trial.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    I agree with Sumi that there's a potential for a lot of comedy if the premise is reverse engineering? "virus" such ?that the smart phone is literally infecting people with a virus.? (Although, I suggest that the culprit?be a? popular,? seductive ?smart phone app rather than a defective OS).? But thaRead more

    I agree with Sumi that there’s a potential for a lot of comedy if the premise is reverse engineering? “virus” such ?that the smart phone is literally infecting people with a virus.? (Although, I suggest that the culprit?be a? popular,? seductive ?smart phone app rather than a defective OS).? But that needs to be stated with greater clarity.

    And I think his other questions are pertinent.? And what does the hippy being self-righteous as a character flaw bring to the dramatic problem of the virus infection?? The character flaw should be?relevant?to the dramatic problem such that until the flaw is recognized and overcome, the character cannot solve the dramatic problem.? That’s the dramatic purpose of a character flaw , to create suspense,?doubt and uncertainty that the character can succeed.?How does being self-righteous make the hippy unable to cure the viral infection?

    To repeat, I think the premise is a rough gem that needs a polish.

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  2. Posted: April 12, 2016In:

    When an experimental medical chamber explodes, the ensuing capital murder trial pits the accused mother of an autistic boy killed in the blast against the Korean immigrant owners. [28] OR During the capital murder trial following the deadly explosion of an experimental medical chamber, the Korean immigrant owners and other victims must decide whether to reveal the secrets that could exonerate the defendant, the mother of an autistic boy killed in the blast, but devastate their own families. [48] {For a novel – literary courtroom drama]

    dpg Singularity

    Unfortunately, I find?both versions raise more questions than answers.I have no idea what?the "experimental medical chamber" is or?its specific medical purpose.? Nor can I grasp how a "capital murder" case arises out of the explosion.? Criminal manslaughter charges--maybe-- and a civil wrongful deatRead more

    Unfortunately, I find?both versions raise more questions than answers.

    I have no idea what?the “experimental medical chamber” is or?its specific medical purpose.? Nor can I grasp how a “capital murder” case arises out of the explosion.? Criminal manslaughter charges–maybe– and a civil wrongful death suit — yes.? But legally those are? different than capital murder charges which can only apply in cases there is willful and premeditated intent to kill.? That is, the chamber blew up because the owners deliberately intended it to blow up.? Did they?

    So much for substantive issues.

    As far as structural issues, the building blocks of a pithy and cogent logline,??it is unclear who the protagonist is or what is his or her specific objective goal. I refer you the “Training” section listed at the top of the web page for guidelines and suggestions.

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  3. Posted: April 10, 2016In:

    When a teenager is kicked out of home after being discovered at a gay sauna, he escapes to L.A. determined to become a famous porn star but when his lover dies from a drug overdose he embarks upon a journey of recovery that leads him to Bali where he finds the only chance he has left to save his life.

    dpg Singularity

    A logline is a sales tool.? A good logline sells the sizzle?in a story -- not the entire steak.Let's be blunt:? the sizzle in your story, the element that?is likely to grab attention, make someone want to read your script, is the?character's?aspiration to become a gay porn star.??? Sex sells; recoveRead more

    A logline is a sales tool.? A good logline sells the sizzle?in a story — not the entire steak.

    Let’s be blunt:? the sizzle in your story, the element that?is likely to grab attention, make someone want to read your script, is the?character’s?aspiration to become a gay porn star.??? Sex sells; recovery — not so much.

    Your logline?sets up the expectation that the 2nd Act will be about his struggles to make it?as a porn star.? And then the rest of your logline completely ignores that story element. It shifts focus to?other story threads?not directly related to the sizzle:? his lover dies of an overdose and he takes a journey of recovery.

    What about his struggle to?become a porn star? If your character’s dream is to make it as a porn star, then that raises the dramatic question that should frame the entire 2nd Act (at least):? will his efforts to become a porn star succeed?

    This further raises the expectation that the 2nd Act will be about his mal-adventures in the gay sex industry.? Complications ensue, of course, the usual wretched excesses and abuse.?

    Further,?a logline should raise that question (implicitly) — but it should not?answer it.? This logline, however, gives away the answer to ?the dramatic question ( “No, he fails .”)

    And a logline should further describe one and only one story line or plot for the main character.? But yours has two:? 1] Going to L.A. to become a porn star; 2] A journey of recovery to Bali.?? Pick one story line for your logline ?and focus on that only.? Either he’s on a? journey to become a porn star or he’s on a? journey to recovery.?

    (There are techniques for melding both into one story line, one plot in the script itself, but that’s beyond the scope of this web?site which is devoted to writing loglines?for?scripts.)

    Anyway, my takeaway for writing a logline is:??frame and focus on one and only one story line, one plot.?

    fwiw

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