1. Posted: April 9, 2016In:

    When an entire town gets a virus from the trial of a brain-activated smart phone, a self-righteous hippy must stop the company and shut down the trial.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Do users gets a virus --malware-- in their phones.? Or do they contract a literal virus? Either way what, ?are the stakes? Why must the hippy "deputize"?himself to shut down the company and the?virus?? If it's malware -- well, that is such a quotidian problem these days with computers and smart phonRead more

    Do users gets a virus –malware– in their phones.? Or do they contract a literal virus?

    Either way what, ?are the stakes? Why must the hippy “deputize”?himself to shut down the company and the?virus?? If it’s malware — well, that is such a quotidian problem these days with computers and smart phones (alas).? What makes this malware so dramatically significant?? What unique jeopardy does it?pose that makes it?stand out from all the other malware?? And what qualifies the hippy to solve the problem?? Is he also a geek, a code warrior?

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  2. Posted: April 8, 2016In:

    Terminally ill single dad romances a vulnerable heiress to procure a new home for his son, but his unexpected connection to her past jeopardizes his son’s life and thrusts fates of others into his hands, just as the time runs short.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Slight revision:A terminally ill single father romances a vulnerable heiress to?secure a home and future for his son."Terminally ill" implies the inciting incident that motivates his action -- what he is incited to do as a result of the diagnosis.Your logline tells the story from the point of view oRead more

    Slight revision:

    A terminally ill single father romances a vulnerable heiress to?secure a home and future for his son.

    “Terminally ill” implies the inciting incident that motivates his action — what he is incited to do as a result of the diagnosis.

    Your logline tells the story from the point of view of the father, which is okay.? But for your consideration, I think there is ?an even more interesting story line?embedded in the concept, that of the son. Who, after all, is the stakeholder, the one who has to live with the consequences of his father’s action.? What if the heiress likes him? — but he doesn’t like her?? What if, instead, he prefers his real mother, a woman of modest means who?cannot provide him with the material support and future opportunities that the heiress is all to eager to shower upon him?

    What if he likes his ?step-mother and certainly likes? her lifestyle, but the heiress does not like him?but accepts him as part of the “package deal”?? Only to?reject him when the truth comes out about his terminal illness– as it surely will — and?she realizes she’s ?been conned by his father?

    I don’t know where you’re going with the concept, but I can see many interesting possibilities.? Good luck with your writing.

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  3. Posted: April 9, 2016In:

    When a teenager loots methamphetamine from a crime scene, he must sell to it to pay for his dads failing business before the owner, a psychopathic cop, hunts him down.

    dpg Singularity

    A timid , street-stupid?teenager struggles to sell meth lifted?from a crime scene to raise enough money to save his father from imminent bankruptcy. (24 words)Timid and street-stupid = character flaw; he lacks the right stuff, the?audacity and street-smarts to engage in any illicit behavior, let aloRead more

    A timid , street-stupid?teenager struggles to sell meth lifted?from a crime scene to raise enough money to save his father from imminent bankruptcy.
    (24 words)

    Timid and street-stupid = character flaw; he lacks the right stuff, the?audacity and street-smarts to engage in any illicit behavior, let alone drug dealing. ( As?did Walter White initially.? This story line?seems to be a juvenile version of “Breaking Bad” — to which it’s going to be inevitably compared.?? Just saying.)

    Imminent:? to convey a ?sense of urgency.? Suggest a ticking clock; say, teen has to sell the meth in 48 hours, over the weekend, before?his father is forced to file for bankruptcy when courts open on ?Monday morning.

    This logline departs from the normative structure of placing the inciting incident first and explicitly so.? It’s implied in his motivation given at the end of the sentence,, to save his father from bankruptcy.? And it’s an implied inciting incident.? What incites him to lift the meth? is his father’s imminent bankruptcy, isn’t it?

    That the man holding the loan or lease for the business is a cop is a complication for the story just as having a brother-in-law who is a DEA agent was a complication in the story of Walter White, but not essential to the logline.

    Finally, the way I see it, a wrinkle I see in the story that will take an ingenious 3rd Act to resolve is that selling it before the psycho-cop catches him doesn’t end the teenager’s problem.? The cop could still be following the trail of evidence left by the? inept teen’s clumsy drug dealing even after the teen has sold it all, given his father the money.?

    Which then raises the question in the cop’s mind (and his father whom I assume is law-abiding):? where did the teen get all this money so quickly? From?a?part-time ?job at the local car wash? 🙂

    fwiw

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