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Freeze
Agree with FFF, the premise is "very conceptual", which is, to say too abstract to visualize.? What the visual on "conquering 5 world problems"?? What are the 5 problems?And why? 5?? Why not 4 or 3 or 2 or ?just 1??? Who/what has created this? apocalypse??It didn't just happen.Who made the call on tRead more
Agree with FFF, the premise is “very conceptual”, which is, to say too abstract to visualize.? What the visual on “conquering 5 world problems”?? What are the 5 problems?
And why? 5?? Why not 4 or 3 or 2 or ?just 1??? Who/what has created this? apocalypse??It didn’t just happen.
Who made the call on the 394 people to cull from the herd of 8 billion people on earth?? Who transported them, gave them the problems to solve– or else?
Who devised this “apocalyptic game”, established completely arbitrary rules, and arbitrarily dictated who must play or perish?? And why?
The premise relies on too much “magic”, too many?arbitrary rules and ?extraordinary?departures from the norms of the world as we know it.? It raises more questions? in my mind about how all the pieces fit together ?than interest in how it plays out.
fwiw
See lessTerminally ill single dad romances a vulnerable heiress to procure a new home for his son, but his unexpected connection to her past jeopardizes his son’s life and thrusts fates of others into his hands, just as the time runs short.
The core of the story, the hook, is ?the terminally ill father wooing the vulnerable heiress to provide for his son after he's dead. ?And it's a good one.The rest of the logline is confusing, vague. ?I have no clear sense of what or how the past jeopardizes his effort. And in a logline the threat orRead more
The core of the story, the hook, is ?the terminally ill father wooing the vulnerable heiress to provide for his son after he’s dead. ?And it’s a good one.
The rest of the logline is confusing, vague. ?I have no clear sense of what or how the past jeopardizes his effort. And in a logline the threat or obstacle to the main character’s goal needs to be clearly defined; a logline reader is entitled to know — needs to know — exactly who/what threatens to defeat the protagonist.
I presume the father is not revealing his illness to the heiress — a willful act of deception that will jeopardize their relationship, his objective goal, when the truth comes out. ?As it surely will. ?I also presume the son is initially in on the “con”.
IOW: ?I think there is enough inherent potential for complications, conflicts, dramatic tension and suspense in your core concept without having to clutter up the story with yada-yada about dark secrets and the fate of others.
I suggest focusing the logline (and the plot) on the core of the story. ?In this case, I think?less? is more.? I like the hook. A lot. It invokes a lot of possibilities in my mind.? Trust the conflicting emotions that flow from the? setup.? Best wishes.
See lessA serial killer taxi driver takes revenge on behalf of victimised passengers while trying to avoid detection.
How does the taxi driver know his passengers have been victimized and by whom?
How does the taxi driver know his passengers have been victimized and by whom?
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