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When a Jewish underpants manufacturer suddenly dies, his clumsy, mechanic son must fight off a stupid Mafia loan-shark, until he can convince the inventive transvestite manager to relinquish control.
Distilled to its essence the story seems to be:When?his father suddenly dies,?an inept son? has 30 days to pay off a stupid but ruthless loan shark or lose the family garment?business-- and his life. (25 words)I upped the stakes (lose his life) to increase tension??and inserted a ticking clock (30 dRead more
Distilled to its essence the story seems to be:
When?his father suddenly dies,?an inept son? has 30 days to pay off a stupid but ruthless loan shark or lose the family garment?business– and his life.
(25 words)
I upped the stakes (lose his life) to increase tension??and inserted a ticking clock (30 days) to increase the urgency.
The transvestite manager is a complication for the story proper but not a requirement for the logline.? (And I’m confused anyway what/why/ how ?the son must “convince” the the TV to relinquish control.)
That the proprietor (past and present) are Jews and the business is underpants are embellishments for the story — but I don’t think essential to the logline.? I dropped “Mafia” from loan shark because?I think it’s?safe to??assume that most logline readers understand that?”loan shark”? implies?an organized crime activity.
See lessLogline: A modern orthodox Jewish teenager faces the fallout of having sex with his girlfriend, something specifically prohibited by his faith. He tries to cope with guilt by isolating people and using drugs, leading to conflict with his friends, family, and teachers. His drug use takes him on a downward spiral and a difficult journey to find meaning in his life.
What about the fallout facing the girl?? Her plight is even more pitiful than his ?because she's damaged goods.? Her family will reject her; no respectable Orthodox male will marry her.? It seems to me that her story might be even more dramatically compelling than his.? That the guy has further disgRead more
What about the fallout facing the girl?? Her plight is even more pitiful than his ?because she’s damaged goods.? Her family will reject her; no respectable Orthodox male will marry her.? It seems to me that her story might be even more dramatically compelling than his.? That the guy has further disgraced himself by not “manning up” to take responsibility for the consequences he has inflicted on her life, destroying all her hopes for happiness and love.
Does he still love?her?? Does she figure anywhere in his road to recovery?? Or is she just a disposable character?
A fundamental problem with this logline is it?fails to? outline?a plot.? A plot is the dramatic vehicle the protagonist drives to reach a specific destination — a specific?finish line. ?This logline piles? up a?heap of emotional baggage for the young Jew to carry in the vehicle on his journey.? But? his emotional problems are not the plot.? The plot is where the young man intentionally — not aimlessly, not accidently?– goes with the baggage — and, hopefully, jettison along the way.
As a result of??committing? the?sin of pre-marital sex (the inciting incident), a young man must … well, do what?? All that is conveyed is what he must not do — but does anyway — all the mistakes he makes.? What (eventually) becomes his specific, concrete?objective goal to redeem his life?
(And “find meaning” doesn’t qualify as an objective goal.? It’s vague, non-visual, and open ended.? Film is a visual medium.? What’s the visual on “meaning in his life”?? What’s the visual cue that will signal to the audience that he has reached his destination, achieved his objective goal?)
fwiw
See lessOn the verge of a botched murder, a lady Sailor conspires with the victim to wreak revenge.
On the plus side, the main character is female -- not enough of them in loglines or in films.Unfortunately, the logline is confusing, vague on?several ?points ?and missing key elements.One missing element is an ?inciting incident.? We have no idea?what incites her to almost?commit a murder -- and? nRead more
On the plus side, the main character is female — not enough of them in loglines or in films.
Unfortunately, the logline is confusing, vague on?several ?points ?and missing key elements.
One missing element is an ?inciting incident.? We have no idea?what incites her to almost?commit a murder — and? no idea what incites her to switch and conspire with the victim for revenge.
And who is?the victim???Victim of what??? Is this the?target ?victim of her “botched murder” or a victim of some other crime?
And how does the character “botch a murder” she’s only “on the verge” of committing?? A more straightforward way to say it?might be?”After botching a murder attempt…”
And “wreak revenge” on whom?? Who, specifically, ?is the target of her revenge?? And what form is the revenge to take?? Murder?
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