1. Posted: September 2, 2015In:

    When a billionaire discovers the Garden of Eden, two Biblical revisionists set out to debunk him, until they learn it might be the fountain of youth.

    dpg Singularity

    The concept has some interesting dramatic possibilities, but to be nick-picky, there is no mention of a fountain of youth in Genesis. There is a river that is supposed to be the source of 4 rivers including the Tigris and Euphrates (Genesis 2:10-14), so I supposed it could sub (with exposition to reRead more

    The concept has some interesting dramatic possibilities, but to be nick-picky, there is no mention of a fountain of youth in Genesis. There is a river that is supposed to be the source of 4 rivers including the Tigris and Euphrates (Genesis 2:10-14), so I supposed it could sub (with exposition to reconcile your story with the Biblical account).

    And then there is the tree of life, the fruit of which could be appropriated in your story for the same result. And there was also a tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you’re going exploit the Garden of Eden for dramatic purposes, have you considered using that prop as well? Pose a dramatic polarity of values and choices the protagonist will have to wrestle with. IOW: how far do you want to map the original Biblical account to yours?

    Finally, if the billionaire has discovered the Garden of Eden, it seems to me that the least of his problems will be 2 Biblical scholars whose knickers get tied up in a knot as they try to debunk him. The greatest and more urgent problem will be preventing the discovery from going viral — which must be a very real threat — resulting in hordes of humanity descending upon the garden to get a bite or bath of the action.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: September 1, 2015In:

    With the mysterious arrival of a stolen diamond, a forensic investigator goes on a quest to Siberia to uncover a decades-old international crime linked to her lost family

    dpg Singularity

    I still have a problem seeing a clear and credible cause and effect relationship between the arrival of the diamond and the subsequent quest to Siberia. What is there about the arrival of the stolen diamond that triggers the character to go on the quest? It's 'mysterious' -- how can she deduce fromRead more

    I still have a problem seeing a clear and credible cause and effect relationship between the arrival of the diamond and the subsequent quest to Siberia. What is there about the arrival of the stolen diamond that triggers the character to go on the quest? It’s ‘mysterious’ — how can she deduce from an object shrouded in mystery that she’s got to go to Siberia to solve an old crime?

    And what’s at stake in solving a decades old crime? What is the urgent import of a past event in the present life of the main character? Why must she solve the crime NOW — or else. Or else what?

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  3. Posted: August 30, 2015In:

    In a dystopian world, a geeky geneticist invents a super-seed to avert global starvation and finds himself pursued by dark corporate profiteers.

    dpg Singularity

    I also suggest that "pursued by dark corporate profiteers" needs to be clarified, perhaps refocused. What does that mean, that he's being "pursued"? Are they trying to steal the technology, wrest control of the patents? Are they trying to kill him? And as suggested, "dark corporate profiteers" is raRead more

    I also suggest that “pursued by dark corporate profiteers” needs to be clarified, perhaps refocused. What does that mean, that he’s being “pursued”? Are they trying to steal the technology, wrest control of the patents? Are they trying to kill him?

    And as suggested, “dark corporate profiteers” is rather vague and generic. The logline (and story) would benefit by stipulating a particular corporate bad-guy who is his arch-nemesis — put a human face on the antagonist as well as on the victims.

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