thedarkhorse,

I totally agree with you that Hollyweird players get to play by different rules when it comes to loglines (and a lot of other things).

As I’ve said many times before, I believe that aspiring writers with no industry network or representation (aka: wannabes) would do well to concurrently write two loglines for every script:

1] A plotting logline that conforms to the industry standard guidelines Karel Segers discusses under the “Formula” topic at the top of the web page.

2] A marketing logline that focuses on the sizzle, the feature of the story that will hook Hollyweird players interest, make them want to read the script.

I’ve read enough of your reviews to sense you have a good grasp of plotting. The plot for the premise in this logline (and its variants) is not my major issue.

My major issue is I don’t see a compelling hook. And, IMHO, a script that doesn’t have a strong hook is probably DOA. That it is perfectly plotted won’t save it from the reject pile.

Why?

Because no Hollywood player will read it to find how how perfectly plotted it is.

Why?

Because the logline doesn’t have the je ne sais quoi that will grab their attention, stimulate their imagination, make them want to read the script. I don’t see a unique twist, a novel approach that sets it apart from the 10,0001 other loglines about a teenager struggling in school. Okay, 1,0001 other loglines.

Gotta have hook. What is there about this script you want to write that will hook the attention of Hollywood players?

Or, looking at it this way, if you were ghost writing for Scheherazade (I assume you are familiar with her predicament) would you give her this story to tell the Persian king the night after he marries her? Would you be confident it would so entertain, so enchant the king that he won’t follow through with his intention to have her decapitated after the next morning?

Would you stake her life on this story?

Would you stake your own?

In a very real sense your life is already at stake with this story. Okay, not all of it, but part of it. You may have to invest weeks, months of your precious time, your one and only life to write the script. Is this story worth those stakes?