1. Posted: April 11, 2013In:

    Abandoned by his platoon, a patriotic soldier befriends a young Muslim girl and must choose between protecting her or helping his team eradicate her village.

    dpg Singularity

    Building to an agonizing moral dilemma is a great story telling technique, but how can it be that the protagonist is "abandoned by his platoon" while concurrently "helping his team to eradicate"?

    Building to an agonizing moral dilemma is a great story telling technique, but how can it be that the protagonist is “abandoned by his platoon” while concurrently “helping his team to eradicate”?

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  2. Posted: April 14, 2013

    The matriarch of an Arizona boomtown receives the unlikely help of a notorious outlaw to rid her town of a ruthless Marshal and the corrupt Territorial Judge who employs him.

    dpg Singularity

    "Receives the unlikely help" is passive. Better would be something like "employs" or "enlists". And what's at stake? What has she got to lose if she fails?

    “Receives the unlikely help” is passive. Better would be something like “employs” or “enlists”. And what’s at stake? What has she got to lose if she fails?

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  3. Posted: September 7, 2012In:

    Cop by day/wolf by full moon. When werewolf police detective Joshua Hobbel is framed for murder, he must accept the beast within in order to stop the human monsters that surround him.

    dpg Singularity

    For your consideration: When a cursed detective struggling to control his inner werewolf is framed for murder, he must unleash his inner beast to find the true killer or be lost to his curse forever. Three words shorter,clarifies his dilemma, sharpens the hook.

    For your consideration:

    When a cursed detective struggling to control his inner werewolf is framed for murder, he must unleash his inner beast to find the true killer or be lost to his curse forever.

    Three words shorter,clarifies his dilemma, sharpens the hook.

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