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A poverty-stricken mother supports her family by smuggling illegal immigrants across the U.S. Canadian Border.
That's the pitching version. It's got a strong hook. At 15 words,? it's almost high concept. (The hook alone, not knowing any other information , was all I needed to know to want to view the movie.)Here's my development version, laying out the essential script elements:After her drug-addicted husbanRead more
That’s the pitching version. It’s got a strong hook. At 15 words,? it’s almost high concept. (The hook alone, not knowing any other information , was all I needed to know to want to view the movie.)
Here’s my development version, laying out the essential script elements:
After her drug-addicted husband absconds with her meager savings, a poverty-stricken mother supports her family by teaming up with a Native American woman to smuggle illegal immigrants across the U.S. Canadian border.
(32 words)
Why must she team up with a Native American woman? Because she’s a member of the Mohawk tribe, whose reservation lands straddle the U.S. American border.? Local law enforcement has no legal writ to either investigate suspicious activities or arrest Mohawks on their tribal land. The local police have to catch smugglers off the reservation.? . This is what creates the opportunity to smuggle illegals.
That is down-in-the-weeds information necessary to include in the script, but? not necessary to include in either version of the logline.? A pitching logline should focus on the sizzle.? The development logline should succinctly describe the steak.
See lessWhen an amateur trick theif is sentenced to 10 years in prison he is forced to hide in his twin brother?s estate where he is given the opportunity to exchange identity with his brother and must now cheat the locals, his brother?s wife and the police by behaving like a well educated landowner in order to maintain his relationship with his 8-year-old daughter.
As mikepedley 85 said, the logline is too long.? And it? juggles too balls.?And it buries what I think is the story hook:? a petty criminal passes himself off his as twin brother in order to avoid going to prison.Also, I suggest the setup needs reworking.? Unless a character has the big bucks to payRead more
As mikepedley 85 said, the logline is too long.? And it? juggles too balls.?
And it buries what I think is the story hook:? a petty criminal passes himself off his as twin brother in order to avoid going to prison.
Also, I suggest the setup needs reworking.? Unless a character has the big bucks to pay for a lawyer to argue that his client needs some time arrange his business affairs, as soon as the judge pronounces sentence, a convicted person is remanded to custody and imprisonment — he goes directly to jail.? ?And there is no clue that this character, an amateur, has that kind of money or legal representation.? ?So there’s that.
See lessWhen a cynical woman and idealistic man find themselves on a sinking boat far out to sea, they must find a way to work together to survive until help arrives.
>> "find themselves on a sinking boat" Only "find themselves"? Something happened that forced them to make a conscious choice, an intentional effort take to a lifeboat to survive. What happened? And why wouldn't two people trapped on a boat work together to stay alive?? How believable that twoRead more
>> “find themselves on a sinking boat”
Only “find themselves”? Something happened that forced them to make a conscious choice, an intentional effort take to a lifeboat to survive. What happened?
And why wouldn’t two people trapped on a boat work together to stay alive?? How believable that two such people would choose to die rather than work together??? Yes, the polarity may be the source of some lively arguments over the meaning of life, politics, art — whatever, but I don’t see how that in any way threatens their chances of survival.? The character traits defined seem incommensurate to the situation.
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