The logline needs to be more specific and supply concrete answers to two questions required in an industry acceptable logline. (See “Our Formula“):? What is the inciting incident?? What is the protagonist’s objective goal?

What happens that causes her to get involved in a “dangerous investigation”?? (And what makes the investigation dangerous?)

I’m guessing her objective goal all along is to solve his mother’s murder.? But I shouldn’t? have to guess. The logline needs to clearly inform me.

Here’s my one line takeaway on this version: I like the other one better.

Loglines? must make the right first impression.? In ten seconds max.? That’s the size of the window of opportunity you have to attract interest in your script. I’m? sorry to write this, but because the protagonist in this version is female,? I fear the first impression this version will make is that the script is a? “My Best Co-worker’s Wedding” knockoff of “My Best Friend’s Wedding.”? ?If are you intent on developing this version, I suggest switching? genders.

>>Also ? any advice for writing singers?
So you’re an industry outsider writing and pitching a story about the entertainment industry to industry insiders. Sorry to write this, but the odds are high they will immediately figure out you really don’t know what you’re writing about, you’re just imitating what you’ve seen in other movies about entertainers. Or making it up. It just won’t feel authentic.

I worked in law enforcement for over 9 years, and I can almost always tell by the logline and always by the first 5 pages of the script whether the writer knows (by experience or deep research) what he’s writing about. Or merely borrowing ideas from other movies (or books). Or just making it up wholesale. If he hasn’t had the experience or done the research, the script will just stink with unauthenticity.

When you’re trying to break into the biz, I believe the old adage is the best strategy: write about what you know.

My 2.5 cents worth.