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When a killer threatens the streets of Austin, a Texas Blues loving police detective with a photographic memory, and her charismatic, gay partner are forced to form an unlikely, and tempestuous alliance with former professional athlete both detectives suspect of murder.
There may? be an interesting crime story here, but I'm not sure.? It seems to me the plot line needs to be clarified and the characterization may need a polish.>>When a killerBetter: When a serial killer? (that's what he is, right? Otherwise there's no ongoing threat.)>>Texas Blues lovinRead more
There may? be an interesting crime story here, but I’m not sure.? It seems to me the plot line needs to be clarified and the characterization may need a polish.
>>When a killer
Better: When a serial killer? (that’s what he is, right? Otherwise there’s no ongoing threat.)
>>Texas Blues loving
Something to include in the script, of course, to flesh out the character, but extraneous to the logline.? A logline? need only describe the protagonist in terms of a flaw, a weakness that she will have to eventually overcome to achieve her objective. I can’t imagine that her love of the Texas Blues is in any way going to be a serious impediment to her apprehending the murderer.
>>gay partner
Is that an issue between them? Does it create a conflict that threatens to hamper their ability to work together to catch the killer? If it’s not an issue, than I’m not sure it needs to be included in the logline.
In fact, I’m not sure the partner needs to be mentioned at all. Is he a co-protagonist?? Or is his role that of the colorful sidekick? If he’s the latter, than I suggest streamlining the logline to focus on the protagonist because she is the character leading the investigation,? right?? So? in the logline focus on the character who is in the driver’s seat of the plot;? it is not necessary to include in the logline the one in the passenger seat.
The more important character? who? can’t be excised from the logline is the:
>>Professional athlete
How so? Football? Basketball? Baseball? Be specific.
>>suspect of murder.
Is he a suspect in the murders under investigation? Or is he a suspect in other murders?
>>>to form an unlikely, and tempestuous alliance
The fact that she must partner up with the athlete who himself is a suspect implicitly says it’s an unlikely alliance that’s going to? be fraught with tension. What is implicit need not be made explicit in a logline that is already 41 words in length.
So, as I interpret your logline, the core of the story is:
To apprehend a serial murderer, a female police detective must form an alliance with a ex-professional athlete who is the prime murder suspect.
(23 words)
Hope this helps.
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Yep, don't leave readers guessing, having to read twice, three times to figure out what the story is.? A logline has? one? window of opportunity, 10-12 seconds, to pitch the plot, set the story hook.? There are no second chances.? A reader must immediately grasp what the story is about ,? immediatelRead more
Yep, don’t leave readers guessing, having to read twice, three times to figure out what the story is.? A logline has? one? window of opportunity, 10-12 seconds, to pitch the plot, set the story hook.? There are no second chances.? A reader must immediately grasp what the story is about ,? immediately get hooked.
An additional challenge in this logline is that the protagonist is a thief.? We may sympathize with his son for being an innocent victim.? But it will be hard to sympathize with the protagonist; the dramatic predicament is his fault.? His action has caused the fecal fury? that is inflicted upon his son.?
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>>>> but to earn his place, he must learn to put others first and outsmartLoglines are about objective goals,? not about lessons learned.? Why?? Because? the "lesson learned" is an unintended consequence of the intentional striving for an objective goal.? It's not something a character sRead more
>>>> but to earn his place, he must learn to put others first and outsmart
Loglines are about objective goals,? not about lessons learned.? Why?? Because? the “lesson learned” is an unintended consequence of the intentional striving for an objective goal.? It’s not something a character seeks or wants.? Who wants to deliberately, consciously, intentionally seek to find out he’s wrong, that he needs to change?
Loglines area about what a character intentionally wants, not about what he unintentionally discovers.
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