1. Posted: October 15, 2018In:

    Orbiting a dead world rich with ancient history to find her people, a newly minted female admiral must convince a difficult security agent of her loyalties after being discovered she descends from his people’s eternal enemy, a nearly extinct race of superhuman slavers.

    dpg Singularity

    Taking the logline at face value, what it promises is that the audience will be treated to the entire 2nd Act (at least ) -- an hour or more of screen time -- devoted to nothing else but her trying to convince the agent of her loyalties. In the 3rd Act, she will either succeed or fail to convince hiRead more

    Taking the logline at face value, what it promises is that the audience will be treated to the entire 2nd Act (at least ) — an hour or more of screen time — devoted to nothing else but her trying to convince the agent of her loyalties.

    In the 3rd Act, she will either succeed or fail to convince him.

    End of story.

    FADE TO CREDIT SCROLL

    I’m guessing you intend to tell a bigger story.? Something to do with finding her people,? But I can’t read your mind.? I can only read what the logline says.? ? And again, taking your logline at face value, the whole film is about her trying to persuade the agent that she’s not disloyal.? Period.? Full stop.

    The security agent seems to be a complication, a problem to be solved en route to accomplishing her primary objective goal.? Which is?? What is the story really about?? What’s at stake?? Why must she find her people — or else?? What is lost if she doesn’t find her people?? What’s gained if she does?

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  2. Posted: October 15, 2018In:

    After a miscalculation in a slipstream, a Roman space legion becomes stranded on a hellish world and must battle a powerful demon intent on shaping the legion into his own instrument to destroy Old Rome, their mother planet.

    dpg Singularity

    The logline is a hodpodge of anachronistic elements. When did any ancient Roman person, let alone a legion, acquire the technology to time and space travel? And I have no idea what "twisting the legion into corrupted horrors" means. And why can't the demon just do his own dirty work? Why does he neeRead more

    The logline is a hodpodge of anachronistic elements. When did any ancient Roman person, let alone a legion, acquire the technology to time and space travel?

    And I have no idea what “twisting the legion into corrupted horrors” means.

    And why can’t the demon just do his own dirty work? Why does he need to use the legion as the weapon of destruction?

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  3. Posted: October 15, 2018In:

    With a wish granted by a mysterious being, an angry and disillusioned man becomes godlike and is pursued by a persistent ordinary federal agent while killing evil people in his wake.

    dpg Singularity

    I am totally mystified.? Who is the protagonist, the angry man or the ordinary agent?? And what is the specific objective goal?? Towards what end, what destination is the story narrative driving? (Whether it gets there is another question) Who should the audience be rooting for and what should theyRead more

    I am totally mystified.? Who is the protagonist, the angry man or the ordinary agent?? And what is the specific objective goal?? Towards what end, what destination is the story narrative driving? (Whether it gets there is another question) Who should the audience be rooting for and what should they be worried about?

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