1. Posted: May 26, 2018In:

    After a man discovers his wife has been cheating for years, he re-connects with the first girl he ever fell in love with to remind himself who he used to be.

    dpg Singularity

    LucindaFarnsworth: I like the premise.? Although it's definitely not a coming of age story.? (The genre label you use to label your story is critical in marketing your script. ) I suggest a version with an ironic twist: After his wife dumps him, a man returns to his home town to win back the heart oRead more

    LucindaFarnsworth:

    I like the premise.? Although it’s definitely not a coming of age story.? (The genre label you use to label your story is critical in marketing your script. )

    I suggest a version with an ironic twist:

    After his wife dumps him, a man returns to his home town to win back the heart of the girl he dumped for his wife.
    (25 words)

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: May 25, 2018In:

    When a bipolar girl mysteriously awakens next to the body of her mother in the woods with no recollection of what happened, a troubled detective must dig deep into the secrets of a small town and its paranormal history, to find out the truth and prove the girl?s innocence.

    dpg Singularity

    I have no problem with why the detective must investigate the death.? That's his job, to investigate any case that lands on his desk.I do have an issue with the character flaw/subjective issue: the girl's is defined specifically, the detective's is defined generally.? "Troubled" could refer to any nRead more

    I have no problem with why the detective must investigate the death.? That’s his job, to investigate any case that lands on his desk.

    I do have an issue with the character flaw/subjective issue: the girl’s is defined specifically, the detective’s is defined generally.? “Troubled” could refer to any number of personal problems, a failed marriage, gambling debts, a drinking problem, failing health.? Well, why is he “troubled”.? I suggest that in the logline, a specific description of whatever subjective issue afflicts the protagonist takes precedence over a specific description of whatever afflicts a secondary character.

    In fact, since you tossed the bipolar disorder into the pot of the plot, I am inclined to think it would be more interesting if the detective were bipolar.? That it might be more interesting if the girl is seemingly normal in every way –? that would enhance the mystery.? How could such a normal person get caught up in such an abnormal situation?

    >>>dig deep into the secrets of a small town

    Digging up skeletons, resurrecting ghosts from the past is a standard feature of the mystery genre.? That is what viewers expect to happen.? So it goes without having to say so in a logline.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: May 23, 2018In:

    deleted

    dpg Singularity

    >>>?It is not until the very last minute that Neo proactively does something, fighting an agent.That is his final exam, the Obligatory Scene, the High Noon showdown the movie has been building to.Neo has been developing his power not as end in itself, but as a means to achieve a greater goaRead more

    >>>?It is not until the very last minute that Neo proactively does something, fighting an agent.

    That is his final exam, the Obligatory Scene, the High Noon showdown the movie has been building to.

    Neo has been developing his power not as end in itself, but as a means to achieve a greater goal.? His objective goal to liberate humanity from computers.? ?Actually, to be really precise, Neo’s objective goal is to prove (to himself) that he is the prophesied “One” who will deliver humanity from computers.

    Whatever.??Training, defeating foes are the means to? obtain the ultimate objective goal of the plot? — not the objective? goal itself.?? In a logline, the objective goal should be framed as proactive and positive.? (Semantically,? there many be no difference between:? “My goal is to defeat my opponent on the tennis court” and “My goal is to win on the tennis court”.? But when it comes to pitching, to selling, framing a goal positively is better.? The efficacy of affirmation in contrast to negation.)

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