1. Posted: November 8, 2017In:

    A young, teen girl designs an app to control a robot that can cure paralysis, but when her disabled mother falls seriously ill, and her mentor plagiarises her design and sells it to a multi-national, the only way to expose the truth is to compete against them at an International Robotics Competition.

    dpg Singularity

    I don't see how winning the competition solves the problem of ownership of the patent.? That's a legal problem and can only be solved by litigation in the courts -- not by participating in a competition.? And the premise is that she must gain control of her innovation in order to use it to save herRead more

    I don’t see how winning the competition solves the problem of ownership of the patent.? That’s a legal problem and can only be solved by litigation in the courts — not by participating in a competition.? And the premise is that she must gain control of her innovation in order to use it to save her mother, right?

    And while the algorithm may solve the problem of her mother’s paralysis I don’t see how her algorithm will prevent her mother from dying. That’s a separate medical issue.? ?Or help her come out of a coma. That’s a separate medical issue.? Mobiliy, conscious awareness, life? — the? logline juggles 3 distinct medical issues but doesn’t say that the algorithm is a silver bullet that solves all three.

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  2. Posted: November 2, 2017In:

    When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must make dangerous alliances if he is to survive the vampire Emperor who murdered his parents.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>?the hook is the vampire as a rulerThat could be a problem.? It takes a great villain to make a great hero, yes But the protagonist must possses some defining characteristic that makes him a character who accrues sufficient emotional investment on the part of the viewing audience.? WhoseRead more

    >>>?the hook is the vampire as a ruler

    That could be a problem.? It takes a great villain to make a great hero, yes But the protagonist must possses some defining characteristic that makes him a character who accrues sufficient emotional investment on the part of the viewing audience.? Whose struggle will engage their interest such that they will root for him and stay tuned in week after week to see what happens next.

    And a protagonist has to be proactive, at least as proactive as the antagonist.? And I’m not sure he is.? Taking the logline at face value, he doesn’t intentionally win the throne in another kingdom.? Rather, it’s given to him “unexpectedly” after he flees into exile.? He’s one lucky guy but is it luck he’s earned the hard way or luck that’s been give to him by others?

    And since this is a fantasy what particular magic does he have — or has the need to develop and use wisely — to counter the magical power of the vampire?

    Finally, have you considered making the story with a female protagonist?

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  3. Posted: November 7, 2017In:

    A British Major and aristocrat must team up with a vulgar guerilla leader in order to blow up a bridge in Nazi occupied Greece. Based on a true story.

    dpg Singularity

    Based upon a true story, an aristocratic British major must team up with a vulgar guerilla leader to blow up a key bridge in Nazi occupied Greece." (27 words) I'm assuming that "British major and aristocrat" are descriptive terms for the same person. I would lead off with "Based upon a true story".?Read more

    Based upon a true story, an aristocratic British major must team up with a vulgar guerilla leader to blow up a key bridge in Nazi occupied Greece.”
    (27 words)

    I’m assuming that “British major and aristocrat” are descriptive terms for the same person.

    I would lead off with “Based upon a true story”.? And I would append a ticking clock to heighten the sense of dramatic urgency and import.? They must blow up the bridge before… before what?

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