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When his friend is kidnapped by ruthless thugs, an ex con trying to get his life together, must save her using ninja skills accidentally acquired through a backyard sobriety experiment. Comedy/Drama
>>When a town drunk ...Okay for the script. Extraneous for a logline. That he's a drunk is good enough -- and it shortens the logline by a word.>>>gains ninja skills through a dodgy backyard experiment"Dodgy backyard experiment" seems rather general, vague.? The elements of an incitinRead more
>>When a town drunk …
Okay for the script. Extraneous for a logline. That he’s a drunk is good enough — and it shortens the logline by a word.
>>>gains ninja skills through a dodgy backyard experiment
“Dodgy backyard experiment” seems rather general, vague.? The elements of an inciting incident ought to be specific. It’s like me saying that while walking down a street one day, something happened.? And it was an inciting incident for a new chapter in my life.?
In fact, something did happen to me while walking along one day that radically changed my life.? But you have no idea of what it was, hence, why it qualifies as a meaningful inciting incident in my life.
And since it’s a comedy, does the experiment bear an ironic relationship to the protagonist’s defining characteristic and/or character flaw?? Which in this case are the same:? he’s an alcoholic?? ?IOW: is there a thematic thread that ties these story elements together?
>> he has seven days to use them and rescue his friend who?s been kidnapped by a ruthless bike gang.
Again, is there a thematic thread that ties all these seemingly disparate elements (drunk… experiment… ninja skills… defeat a biker gang) together?
As I understand it, the hook of your story is? that something magical happens that transforms a loser into a winner.? It qualifies as a hook in the sense that it hooks into one of the archetype embedded in the human psyche:? the psychic hunger for stories about frogs who magically become princes, underdogs who magically become uber-dogs.
That is good — and necessary but I don’t think it is sufficient.? Why?? Because there are so many underdog magically made into uber-dog scripts that likewise hook into that archetype. Your logline needs to feature something extra to make it stand out from the pack.
I’m partially hooked to your story because of the archetype.? But not yet (but want to be, per the archetype) fully hooked because of so many other stories? that likewise leverage the archetype.
fwiw
See lessWhen a magic notebook that kills who has a name written on it falls in the hand of a student that uses it to kill criminals, the law enforcement must find a way to stop him.
>>>the character ?L?, a super detective that rivals Raito?s (protagonist) intellect should be in place of the ?law enforceme I'm confused.? Who is the character the audience is supposed to root for to solve the case?? Whoever that is, should be the designated protagonist.? (He doesn't haveRead more
>>>the character ?L?, a super detective that rivals Raito?s (protagonist) intellect should be in place of the ?law enforceme
I’m confused.? Who is the character the audience is supposed to root for to solve the case?? Whoever that is, should be the designated protagonist.? (He doesn’t have to be the smartest, or the strongest.? The audience could be rooting for an underdog.)? And in a logline, fictional characters (as a rule) are not identified by name.? Rather they are described by a character flaw or defining characteristic.
See lessWhen a magic notebook that kills who has a name written on it falls in the hand of a student that uses it to kill criminals, the law enforcement must find a way to stop him.
>>faces several antagonists from the law enforcement, including his father, L and the L?s successors.I am unfamiliar with the series.? That said, in drama one has to distinguish between antagonists and rivals.? The antagonist opposes the objective goal of the protagonist -- obviously.? In contRead more
>>faces several antagonists from the law enforcement, including his father, L and the L?s successors.
I am unfamiliar with the series.? That said, in drama one has to distinguish between antagonists and rivals.? The antagonist opposes the objective goal of the protagonist — obviously.? In contrast, rivals have the same objective goal as the protagonist — but fight over strategy and tactics, taking credit for success, assigning blame failure. etc.
Take the “Hunger Games” series.? The 12 unlucky kids chosen in the annual games must fight to the death –? but singularly or collectively they are not Katniss Everdeen’s real antagonist.? They are her competition, her rivals, all fighting for the same objective goal, to survive and emerge as the last man (or woman) standing.
Protagonist Katniss Everdeen’s real antagonist, her archenemy,? is President Snow who heads Panem.
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