1. Posted: July 14, 2017In:

    Set in a near future where teacher’s carry firearms, a divorced high school educator shoots her least favorite student when he breaks her young daughter’s heart. (Negligent Discharge)

    dpg Singularity

    What is the story really about? ?Why a teacher shoots a student? ?Or the consequences that follow?And what does "Negligent Discharge" mean? ?That she (or it is he? --that also needs clarification) brandished the weapon intending only to intimidate -- but it was loaded and accidentally went off? ? AnRead more

    What is the story really about? ?Why a teacher shoots a student? ?Or the consequences that follow?

    And what does “Negligent Discharge” mean? ?That she (or it is he? –that also needs clarification) brandished the weapon intending only to intimidate — but it was loaded and accidentally went off? ? And did the shooting kill or only wound the student?

    Whatever the legal charge, I would imagine that most people — even those who support gun rights — would find the teacher’s deed morally reprehensible, a turn off. a reason not to see the movie. ?So who is ?the, uh, ?target audience? ?Who will want to see this movie?

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  2. Posted: July 14, 2017In:

    A young and lonely businessman wants to find true happiness in order to give his life more purpose and standing in his way is only himself.

    dpg Singularity

    As the others have said. ?Film is a visual medium and the logline needs to be written with visual elements: people, props, places, action.What's the visual for "true happiness"? ?The visual for "more purpose"? ?The visual for "standing in his way is only himself"?Write the logline as if it were a siRead more

    As the others have said. ?

    Film is a visual medium and the logline needs to be written with visual elements: people, props, places, action.

    What’s the visual for “true happiness”? ?The visual for “more purpose”? ?The visual for “standing in his way is only himself”?

    Write the logline as if it were a silent film where every aspect of the story has to be conveyed by a visual image — no sound, ?no title cards.

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  3. Posted: July 12, 2017In:

    To repay a debt, a gravedigger is forced to use his cemetery to cover up mob hits, but when the law leans on him, he must work both sides to avoid prison… Or worse.

    dpg Singularity

    I like the premise, but suggest it needs a polish.The character has a clear-cut objective goal, albeit initially a negative one imposed upon him by others, not one he would choose for himself if he wasn't forced to under pain of pain and death. ?The police meddling is a complication that increases tRead more

    I like the premise, but suggest it needs a polish.

    The character has a clear-cut objective goal, albeit initially a negative one imposed upon him by others, not one he would choose for himself if he wasn’t forced to under pain of pain and death. ?The police meddling is a complication that increases the jeopardy and puts him in the horns of a dilemma.

    Eventually he must “dig” himself out of the predicament, one that is of his own making. ?Which means he has to face up to the flaw that caused him to become indebted to the mob.. ?After all, the best comedy arises from situations created and exacerbated by character flaws, not merely bad fortune.

    How did he become indebted to the mob, anyway? ?Why did he resort to a loan shark? ?What drove him to such a desperate and dangerous measure? ?Could the debt he owes the mob be a gambling debt? ?And if so, how did he incur the gambling debt? ?Because he’s a chronic, compulsive gambler? ?Or because he was trying to earn some easy money to buy out or set up his own internment business?

    Those are backstory questions, I know. ?But I suggest they may need further exploration and working out because, after all, the past (backstory) is prologue to the inciting incident and resulting dramatic problem and objective goal.

    fwiw

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