1. Posted: April 13, 2017In:

    On the verge of a succession crisis, a good mermaid princess is banished from her kingdom to the human world for her forbidden love of humans; but when her two wicked sisters usurp their father’s throne and destroy each other in a power struggle to rule the kingdom alone, she must choose between humanity and saving her people from the tyranny of her sisters.

    dpg Singularity

    I agree with Richiev . ?At 64 words, this logline is more than twice the ideal normal word length and it lacks a tight focus.Also loglines are not about what a character "must choose" ?but about what a character actually chooses to do and the consequences that follow. ?Loglines are about the problemRead more

    I agree with Richiev . ?At 64 words, this logline is more than twice the ideal normal word length and it lacks a tight focus.

    Also loglines are not about what a character “must choose” ?but about what a character actually chooses to do and the consequences that follow. ?Loglines are about the problem that results from??making a decision, not about the dilemma.

    So amidst all of these complications and conflicts, what is her objective goal? ?What does she want?

    Also, the nature of her sin needs a tighter focus: ?it’s not just that she fell in love with humanity in general; her sin is that she fell in love with a specific human. a man. ?The story needs to be framed as the story of a woman torn between duty and desire.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: April 12, 2017In:

    A struggling musician faces a heart-wrenching decision when he is presented with the greatest opportunity of his young career.

    dpg Singularity

    As Foxtrot25 said.Loglines are about what happens after the protagonist decides, not about the dilemma of deciding to decide, having to decide, hesitating to decide. A logline is about a course of action taken as a result of a commitment to an objective goal.So ?the logline should describe the ?hearRead more

    As Foxtrot25 said.

    Loglines are about what happens after the protagonist decides, not about the dilemma of deciding to decide, having to decide, hesitating to decide. A logline is about a course of action taken as a result of a commitment to an objective goal.

    So ?the logline should describe the ?heart rendering problem?he must struggle with after he decides.

    What is his ?objective goal? ?Who is the antagonist who opposes his effort and/or what’s the biggest obstacle he must overcome to succeed?

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  3. Posted: April 12, 2017In:

    FAKING THE BAND After concocting a scheme to achieve popularity and infamy a junior high rock band is forced to confront the fact they can?t play a single song when a spiteful teacher plans to expose their charade by awarding them a spot in the schools annual variety show.

    dpg Singularity

    I think this is an improvement in that it pits the band against a nemesis, a spiteful teacher, who is the reason they even get the gig. ?That's a good plot strategy because it gets a movie audience to root for them to succeed, to prove the teacher wrong.However, I think the logline still wants for aRead more

    I think this is an improvement in that it pits the band against a nemesis, a spiteful teacher, who is the reason they even get the gig. ?That’s a good plot strategy because it gets a movie audience to root for them to succeed, to prove the teacher wrong.

    However, I think the logline still wants for an objective goal. ?”Forced to confront” ?isn’t an objective goal. ?In every movie, the protagonist is always “forced to confront” a ?problem. ?The objective goal and action line arises?not from that a protagonist ?must “confront” –?but how? they do so.

    So, what becomes the objective goal for confronting the fact they can’t play a song?

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