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  1. Posted: February 26, 2020In: Comedy, Examples, Romance

    A mermaid is allowed to spend six days on land with a man whom she fell in love with while saving him from drowning.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on February 28, 2020 at 12:12 am

    Nir Shelter:Your take touches on the reason I posted a logline for the movie.? In fact, your version was my original choice.? But I changed my mind after listening the the commentary on the 20th anniversary DVD release of the movie.? I realize that perhaps one reason it took 7 years to sell the scriRead more

    Nir Shelter:

    Your take touches on the reason I posted a logline for the movie.? In fact, your version was my original choice.? But I changed my mind after listening the the commentary on the 20th anniversary DVD release of the movie.? I realize that perhaps one reason it took 7 years to sell the script was because the Act 1 setup? was technically flawed.

    In the DVD commentary, Brian Glazer (the producer) and Ron Howard (the director) say that the original script did not have the opening scene where she rescues him when they are both kids? — the one referred to in your version.? That scene was added later after the script deal was made.? Glazer and Howard realized realized that it didn’t make sense to have the 2nd lead, the raison d’etre for the whole movie , to not appear until some 20 minutes into the movie.? She had to appear sooner.

    Further, it was necessary to sell the audience on the idea of a magical instant romantic connection? between the two.? And that required at least two story beats in the 1st Act, the 1st to establish the premise, the 2nd to reinforce it.? So they tacked on the prologue.

    The original script included a scene? where? a witch mermaid grants the mermaid a magical wish, 6 days on land.? That scene was cut from the original release. ?Glazer and Howard figured — quite correctly — that after the audience sees the Daryl Hannah character butt naked on the beach after rescuing the Tom Hanks character they won’t notice, won’t care about any plot holes.? They will willingly, gladly suspend disbelief in all the magic required to boot up the plot.

    (Also the dynamic of the romantic relationship operates on the Jungian notion of the anima archetype, the soul mate.)

    Of course, you are correct that the inciting incident should be an event that upsets the status quo, the ordinary world of the main characters.? I suggest that the 2nd meeting as adults fits that description.? Because until they meet a 2nd time, the mermaid has no opportunity to act on the feelings she had some 20 years earlier during the 1st rescue. The inciting incident is also an “opportunity knocks” moment.? And opportunity knocks for the mermaid when he finds the wallet that informs her where she lives.? Her feelings as a child have been reinforced as an adult and now she has the information she needs to act on them.

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  2. Posted: February 25, 2020In: Student Loglines

    When dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on February 27, 2020 at 12:25 pm

    As mrliteral said. It's not clear what is supposed to happen. "Overcome the feelings" -- feelings refer to a subjective story thread but a logline focuses on the objective story line.? And feelings are invisible; they can't be seen.? What's the visual for "overcome feelings"? Also, every element ofRead more

    As mrliteral said. It’s not clear what is supposed to happen.

    “Overcome the feelings” — feelings refer to a subjective story thread but a logline focuses on the objective story line.? And feelings are invisible; they can’t be seen.? What’s the visual for “overcome feelings”?

    Also, every element of a logline should refer to something that can be visualized? (or at least heard); that is, a person, place, action, event or dialogue.

    Given the situation, given her feelings, what must she do?? What becomes her course of action, her objective goal?

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  3. Posted: February 27, 2020In: Thriller

    When an ATC controller is contacted by the flight on which his troubled younger brother crashed 13 years ago, he must convince the pilot to get his brother on the radio to make amends, and find out why his body was never found.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on February 27, 2020 at 11:40 am

    ATC = air traffic controller.? Suggest spelling it out (and thus "controller") becomes repetitive.? Because not everyone will immediately grasp what the abbreviation stands for.? And every word, every element in a logline ought to be immediately understood. A reader should not have to guess, not havRead more

    ATC = air traffic controller.? Suggest spelling it out (and thus “controller”) becomes repetitive.? Because not everyone will immediately grasp what the abbreviation stands for.? And every word, every element in a logline ought to be immediately understood. A reader should not have to guess, not have to google.

    What is the content, what did the pilot say?? Is he seeking clearance to land?? Is it a mayday call? Or…??? That might have a bearing on how to phrase the logline (and develop the plot).

    Taking the words as they are, not having a clue as to other particulars, it seems to me the logline sets out two goals: “make amends” (by getting the brother on the radio), and find the missing body.? (Is the brother’s body the only one not recovered?? Or are all the bodies missing?)

    Well,? the standard rule is that a logline should conform to Aristotle’s unity of plot; to wit, there should only be a singular objective goal.

    I’m guessing that “make amends” relates to a subjective goal driven by the controller’s need for closure.? But loglines are explicitly about objective goals,? implicitly about subjective goals (usually via the character flaw or psychic wound).

    And the logline? contains 43 words.? Narrowing the focus to a singular goal should shrink it to under 40.? After all, the story hook, the grabber is not that the controller wants to talk to his brother.? Or that he wants to find out why his body was never recovered.?? (Which seems to be amiss:? wouldn’t the goal be to recover the body, such remains as there may be?)

    The story hook is that 13 years after an airline went down with no survivors, the pilot contacts the air traffic controller.

    fwiw

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