The purpose of a logline is not to tell a story, but to sell? a story. ? ?To sell a story in a logline does not require cramming in every major story beat and feature. ?So at 55 words, this logline is too long, has too many moving parts to grasp in 10-15 seconds.

All those moving parts ?may make for a great script and film. — lots of action, complications, trailer-moments. Great! ?But in writing a logline you have to pare the story down to the single most important element, the one that is most likely to hook and hold ?attention.

So what is your story hook? ?What is the single ?most important aspect in the story that is most likely to hook and hold a movie maker’s attention, whet his appetite for the script? ?A hook that can be read in 10-15 seconds?

For me the hook of your story is:

The true story of the South African, Black, gay activist with AIDS who came out of the closet to fight for a Constitutional ban on discrimination based on sexual orientation.

You don’t agree? ?Okay, it’s your story. ?Then strip everything out of your posted logline and lure me with your version of the story hook — in 30 words or less.

P.S. ?Anticipating one of your objections from the previous thread of discussion, yes, there’s no inciting incident in my version. ?IMHO the concept is strong enough to sell?without one.

I know. Heresy! ?Burn me at the stake on a pile of 1,001 rejected screenplays for kindling.

But I go back to first principles:
What is the purpose of a logline? ?The purpose?of a logline is to SELL, not tell.
What is the most important element in a logline? ?The most important element is the hook. (Or to mangle metaphors, a logline advertises the sizzle — not the steak.)

Now 96%+ of the time, the best way to sell is to include an inciting incident. And?96% of the time I?ding loglines that fail to have an inciting incident or an adequate one. ?So I am a certified True Believer in the necessity of an inciting incident as the norm.

But I also believe that rules are tools — not straight jackets into which every plot must be forced for no other reason than “that the rule.”

?There must always be an allowance for outliers. ?Which, by definition, are exceptions — rare exceptions — to the norm. And this story, imho, ?qualifies as an outlier.

IMHO