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(REVISED) When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.
I agree with Dkpough1 and Eethan: ?eliminate the telepathic phone from the logline. ?It is likely to derail ?a reader's attention from the story. ?The first reaction will be "WTF is a telepathic phone? " instead of "What is the story about?"Why is the point of the telepathic phone? There are enoughRead more
I agree with Dkpough1 and Eethan: ?eliminate the telepathic phone from the logline. ?It is likely to derail ?a reader’s attention from the story. ?The first reaction will be “WTF is a telepathic phone? ” instead of “What is the story about?”
Why is the point of the telepathic phone? There are enough natural vectors for viral infections, ones that require a lot less exposition to overcome incredulity than explaining what a telepathic phone. (Like mosquitoes). ?I get the pun on the phrase “going viral” but what is the dramatic point of the telepathic phone?
Once I get past the gimmick, I find the actual plot intriguing: ?a woman who has lost hope in the future, withdrawn from a world she believes is ?going to hell in a hand basket must become engaged again — at least in her small corner of it — and struggle to defeat the spread of the virus.
See lessA grieving disciple faces complex emotions and life-changing choices, after the death of her revolutionary mentor who gave his life fighting a totalitarian religious regime.
The logline presents an inciting incident--the death of a mentor --for a 1st Act but falls short on delineating a 2nd Act, a plot that follows as a consequence. A plot is about a choice a protagonist makes ?as a result of the inciting incident and the struggle that follows -- not about "facing complRead more
The logline presents an inciting incident–the death of a mentor –for a 1st Act but falls short on delineating a 2nd Act, a plot that follows as a consequence.
A plot is about a choice a protagonist makes ?as a result of the inciting incident and the struggle that follows — not about “facing complex emotions and life-changing choices”, not about deciding to decide…. someday…. eventually by the 3rd Act, meanwhile suffering all the while.
So as a result of the mentor’s death, what decision does the disciple make and what is the struggle that follows? ?Who/what opposes the protagonist, threatens to defeat her? ?What’s at stake? ?What does she stand to gain by prevailing? ?What does she stand to lose by failing?
See lessWhen the atom bomb decimates Hiroshima, a diplomat from outer space must trammel humans’ development as a war species if his enraged federation is to reach a benign decision concerning human fate.
A human protagonist should not ?be a sock puppet; he should ?be a ?character with agency.And what's the "right course" for the "right cause"?Also, the premise is difficult to follow as it completely violates ?known historical facts and famous people. ?If it were a comedy, a parody, that can work --Read more
A human protagonist should not ?be a sock puppet; he should ?be a ?character with agency.
And what’s the “right course” for the “right cause”?
Also, the premise is difficult to follow as it completely violates ?known historical facts and famous people. ?If it were a comedy, a parody, that can work — depending on the point. ?(And the point of this story is…?
There’s a reason SciFi movies are set in far, far galaxies or in the distant future or distant past. And with fictional characters.
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