1. Posted: July 4, 2016In:

    When a nice holiday cruise turns bloody, a detective is able to eliminate the murderer after his son surrenders himself to lead the detective straight to her.

    dpg Singularity

    As Nir Shelter said, ?it's confusing. And it seems to give away the ending, the solution to murder, something a logline should not do. ?A logline implicitly raises a dramatic question, but it never answers it.

    As Nir Shelter said, ?it’s confusing.

    And it seems to give away the ending, the solution to murder, something a logline should not do. ?A logline implicitly raises a dramatic question, but it never answers it.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: July 3, 2016In:

    After losing her step father, a young women, now determined to find her birth parents is targeted by a deadly alien species, who turns out might just be family.

    dpg Singularity

    So, it's about the a young woman whose objective goal is to find her birth parents. Okay.And then along comes this alien species that "targets her". ?What does that mean? ?They kidnap her? ?Try to kill her? ?Why ?of all the 8 billion people on the planet are they interested in her? ?The threat needsRead more

    So, it’s about the a young woman whose objective goal is to find her birth parents. Okay.

    And then along comes this alien species that “targets her”. ?What does that mean? ?They kidnap her? ?Try to kill her? ?Why ?of all the 8 billion people on the planet are they interested in her? ?The threat needs to be clarified. ?And so does the reason.

    “Who turns out might just be family” ? Is that the reason: ?she’s genetically related to them? ?Again, a logline reader is likely to expect ?that is the case. What else can “might just be family” mean?

    Now, either the script delivers on that expectation or it doesn’t. ? If it doesn’t, the reader will not be a happy camper and the script is DOA. ?If it is, say it loud, say it clear because that’s the story hook. ?A story hook is not something to hide or bury in a logline. ?It needs to be dangled out there just like fish hook to get a producer or director’s attention, get them to bite and read the script.

    What’s the story hook? ?What is the bait on that hook designed to lure someone into reading the script?

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: July 2, 2016In:

    A racially prejudices cricket fan about to lose the family hotel goes back in time with his prospective Indian son in law and must overcome his prejudices if he is to get back to his own time and save the pub.

    dpg Singularity

    Going back in time feels contrived. ?It makes the story seems unnecessarily complicated because even in a comedy, you have to explain how he travels back in time. ?And then how he gets back to the present. ?How is it possible for him to travel back in time just because he wants to? After reading botRead more

    Going back in time feels contrived. ?It makes the story seems unnecessarily complicated because even in a comedy, you have to explain how he travels back in time. ?And then how he gets back to the present. ?How is it possible for him to travel back in time just because he wants to?

    After reading both loglines, I don’t see why he must travel back in time. ?I don’t see why can’t he deal with his prejudices and problems in the present.

    See less
    • 0