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Another try: Faced with bankruptcy, a down-on-luck man endangers his life by crossing a high-risk territory to get money to pay for his son?s emergency operation.
"High Risk territory" jumped out at me, so that's good. Even though high-risk can mean many things. Perhaps cut it down a bit. A bankrupt man ventures into dangerous territory to get money to pay for his son's emergency operation. And even now, there can be a better version. I don't like using "to"Read more
“High Risk territory” jumped out at me, so that’s good. Even though high-risk can mean many things. Perhaps cut it down a bit.
A bankrupt man ventures into dangerous territory to get money to pay for his son’s emergency operation.
And even now, there can be a better version. I don’t like using “to” twice in the same sentence.
See lessWhen a man tracks a Mesoamerican heirloom to Brazil, he learns he must choose between revenge for his father?s death, and the life that caused it
Rus, don't feel you must mention things for your logline to get attention, such as "Mesoamerican Heirloom". Rather mention what your unique main character must do and why we may want to follow him doing it.
Rus, don’t feel you must mention things for your logline to get attention, such as “Mesoamerican Heirloom”. Rather mention what your unique main character must do and why we may want to follow him doing it.
See lessAn affair between a recluse yacht owner and a little known actress gets tangled when they discover one another ambitious tramps who team up to fleece the jet set but recluses ex returns to love with revenge as an IRS sting – SuperTramps
I'd remove the Jekyll and Hyde reference and replace it with something else and then extend or 'finish' the sentence after tramp to include what the goal will be after they discover each others true intentions. Add a time-bomb element to it.
I’d remove the Jekyll and Hyde reference and replace it with something else and then extend or ‘finish’ the sentence after tramp to include what the goal will be after they discover each others true intentions. Add a time-bomb element to it.
See less