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  1. Posted: June 23, 2013In: Public

    Three friends become entangled in a series of mind games as they argue over what they should do when a local Sheriff comes looking for the woman they find murdered in their isolated cabin

    FreelanceLance
    Added an answer on June 23, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    This is pretty good--I struggle to come up with anything to fix (except the comma at the end of course). Though I am left wondering who they are professing their innocence to...is it each other, out there in the cabin together? Or are they in police custody, or...? Are these their own mind games toRead more

    This is pretty good–I struggle to come up with anything to fix (except the comma at the end of course).

    Though I am left wondering who they are professing their innocence to…is it each other, out there in the cabin together? Or are they in police custody, or…? Are these their own mind games to each other, or some sort of plot from outside forces, messing with them? Maybe the mystery is intentional–in which case, you might tease up the nature of that “X factor” a little more specifically. Not a lot; just one specific word or two that hints at what makes this story unique.

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  2. Posted: June 23, 2013In: Public

    After lying to her co-workers about being in a relationship, a corporate control freak is forced to bring her ex-fiance with her on a family oriented work retreat

    FreelanceLance
    Added an answer on June 23, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    It's a decent rom-com premise, but there's a bit too much info in the logline. How about: A corporate control freak is forced to bring her slacker ex-boyfriend on a family-oriented work retreat in order to maintain her lie about being in a relationship. I don't think it's necessary to say why she toRead more

    It’s a decent rom-com premise, but there’s a bit too much info in the logline. How about:

    A corporate control freak is forced to bring her slacker ex-boyfriend on a family-oriented work retreat in order to maintain her lie about being in a relationship.

    I don’t think it’s necessary to say why she told the lie in the logline, unless that element is a vital part of the story.

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  3. Posted: September 8, 2012In: Public

    In the distant future, a refugee space craft escapes a war-torn Earth and crash lands on mankind?s second ?salvation? planet killing most and scattering fewer surviving safety pods.Riddled with guilt, the ships pilot sets out to retrieve his survivors to complete the promised journey.

    FreelanceLance
    Added an answer on September 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    I found this logline very confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand what happens, and I still have questions. Main question: What is this "promised journey"? We're told the craft was escaping one planet, and crashed on another. Was it headed somewhere else? If this is man's salvation plaRead more

    I found this logline very confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand what happens, and I still have questions. Main question: What is this “promised journey”? We’re told the craft was escaping one planet, and crashed on another. Was it headed somewhere else? If this is man’s salvation planet, where else is there to go? Or do you just mean they complete the journey to somewhere on planet #2?

    It’s also long, especially the first sentence. Try this ending: …”‘salvation’ planet, with the few survivors in scattered escape pods.”

    It might be better if you can work the hero into the first part of the logline. Rather than the inanimate spaceship escaping, the pilot could be the center of the action. “In the distant future, after successfully escaping war-torn Earth with a spaceship full of refugees, a [adjective–cocky? junkie? aging? cyborg?] pilot crash-lands on mankind’s second planet, with the few survivors scattered widely in escape pods. Riddled with guilt, he sets out…”

    And a few small issues: You don’t need to say “a” war-torn Earth. There’s only one Earth, and saying “a” kind of throws that into question. You can just say “war-torn Earth”. And your possessive “ships” in the second sentence needs an apostrophe.

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