1. Posted: August 1, 2012In:

    When a small club owner finds out his wife is cheating with one of his young bartenders, he hires a conniving hitman and we discover that in Texas, nothing is simple…

    gman902105

    You end with nothing is simple in texas which is cool. I think you should allude to that in the first half of the log line. It sort feels like a punch line without a joke. Is him owning the club important? If not then you have lots or room to change the log line. "In good ol ______, Texas a man discRead more

    You end with nothing is simple in texas which is cool. I think you should allude to that in the first half of the log line. It sort feels like a punch line without a joke.

    Is him owning the club important? If not then you have lots or room to change the log line.

    “In good ol ______, Texas a man discovers his wife cheating with a bartender, In pain(agony, depression, whatever) he hires a conniving hitman to do the deed, and we discover that in Texas nothing is simple.”

    I don’t want to completely rewrite your log-line, but you get the Idea. switch it up so that the situation you are presenting seems simple that way when you end it with “nothing is simple” the reader can then fill in the rest.

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  2. Posted: July 16, 2012In:

    An inconvenienced Army Private tracks his runaway sister into the underworld of the Atlanta sex industry with the reluctant help of a young prostitute named Snow White, but can he save either girl before their time on the streets runs out?

    gman902105

    Feels long. I could be wrong on the length. My advice Might make it longer though so prepare :D. Army private doesn't seem that interesting, soldier is more commanding and also one word. I feel like the prostitute named snow white is the strongest and most interesting point lead with it. "With the rRead more

    Feels long. I could be wrong on the length. My advice Might make it longer though so prepare :D.

    Army private doesn’t seem that interesting, soldier is more commanding and also one word. I feel like the prostitute named snow white is the strongest and most interesting point lead with it.

    “With the reluctant help of Snow white the prostitute, an inconvenienced soldier tracks his runaway sister through the dangerous underworld of Atlanta’s sex industry, with both girls in on the streets and time running out can he save them both?

    As i wrote that another thing that stuck out to me was the “Atlanta sex industry.” I think you may have already established the environment by leading with Snow white the prostitute. So that extra description feels like clutter. Cut sex industry out.

    “With the reluctant help of Snow White the prostitute, an inconvenienced soldier tracks his runaway sister through the dangerous underworld of Atlanta. With both girls in on the streets and time running out can he save them both?

    Personally starting out with “with” on both sentence leave a crappy taste in my mouth, but this is feedback! Take what I said and make it way better!

    You don’t have to start with Snow White but play on the irony of her innocent sounding name in the logline and you will capture a lot more attention i think.

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  3. Posted: July 17, 2012In:

    Sorority initiates left to clean house over Spring Break inadvertently release a blood-thirsty, body hopping demon. With the dubious assistance of a senile groundskeeper and a couple web-cam wielding perverts, the co-eds must defeat the demon before it gains enough power to escape the house.

    gman902105

    I think this is a bit long. I'm assuming its a Horror/Comedy and you are trying to communicate that here. Throw out dubious, pick either the senile groundskeeper or the web cam wielding perverts and say something along the lines of "with the assistance of kooky characters such as a senile groundskeeRead more

    I think this is a bit long. I’m assuming its a Horror/Comedy and you are trying to communicate that here.
    Throw out dubious, pick either the senile groundskeeper or the web cam wielding perverts and say something along the lines of “with the assistance of kooky characters such as a senile groundskeeper” Basically highlight one and generalize the other.

    Play on the irony of the sorority initiates being stuck in the house and it will sound awesome to me! 😀

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