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When a grieving medic with deadly powers resists induction into the horsemen of the apocalypse, she must battle the remaining three in order to save the world.
Hey Nicholas. That's great, then, and I congratulate you because I think that's the best concept I've read about on this site and one of the coolest stories I've heard about in ages. However you decide to run with the logline, I think you're onto a winner, script-wise. A quick suggestion to get yourRead more
Hey Nicholas. That’s great, then, and I congratulate you because I think that’s the best concept I’ve read about on this site and one of the coolest stories I’ve heard about in ages. However you decide to run with the logline, I think you’re onto a winner, script-wise.
A quick suggestion to get your mind working on a logline that gets it all across without becoming too wordy: “A grieving medic with deadly powers must battle three superpowered fundamentalists who believe themselves – and her – to be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” This kind of configuration doesn’t explicitly mention that the world is at stake so might not work for you, but if you trust your reader to know that the coming of the Four Horseman signals the end of the world, the stakes are at least implicitly there. Depends how overt you want to be. Anyway, best of luck with it. I think this is a script that absolutely deserves to be written.
See lessWhen a grieving medic with deadly powers resists induction into the horsemen of the apocalypse, she must battle the remaining three in order to save the world.
Sorry to muddy the waters, but I have to disagree about the premise. The logline certainly works, but what hooked me about the original was that she was being pressured by a group of (also superpowered, I'm assuming) fundamentalists. This, for me, makes the antagonists far more human and so far moreRead more
Sorry to muddy the waters, but I have to disagree about the premise. The logline certainly works, but what hooked me about the original was that she was being pressured by a group of (also superpowered, I’m assuming) fundamentalists. This, for me, makes the antagonists far more human and so far more interesting. It seems like such fertile storytelling ground, exploring how fundamentalist religious views might interpret superpowers and what that would mean for the world at large. Very original, too – superheroes have been deconstructed to within an inch of their lives by now but I can’t think of any that have trod this sort of idealogical ground. Is this still the case with the antagonists – that they’re superpowered humans but not actually destiny-bound Biblical creatures – or have you decided to make them the actual Four (or Three, for now) Horsemen? If so, I think your original conceit was better.
Changing her from farmer to medic works better in the context of her powers, though – the agony of the healer who can no longer heal, etc. Very nice. If she were a farmer you’d expect her power to align with Pestilence or Famine (I’m assuming the other three consider her Death, yes?), so this keeps things neat.
Either way it’s a good premise; I’d just much prefer you incorporated your earlier conceit re the antagonists into your new logline.
See lessWhen a Newly recruited police officer discovers that his younger sister is a serial killer, he does everything to keep anyone from finding out.
First, the technical: change "Newly recruited" to "newly-recruited" and kill "that" since it's not really necessary and you want to omit needless words. Regarding "he does everything to keep anyone from finding out", I'm not sure about it. It's clunky and lacks kick. "Keep anyone from finding out" sRead more
First, the technical: change “Newly recruited” to “newly-recruited” and kill “that” since it’s not really necessary and you want to omit needless words. Regarding “he does everything to keep anyone from finding out”, I’m not sure about it. It’s clunky and lacks kick. “Keep anyone from finding out” seems unnecessarily long when you could say something like “keep her secret”. Also, he literally can’t do “everything”; maybe something like “everything in his power” or “all he can” instead? These phrases are all hewing a little close to cliche, but you get the idea. One more thing – and I encourage you to treat this as an experiment because it might not work – is there a brief, snappy way to draw our attention to the inner conflict he must be feeling? He’s a cop, after all, and she hasn’t just whacked somebody; she’s a card-carrying sicko. So that’d be very tough for him and the logline might – might – benefit from touching on that, provided you can keep it brief and not ruin the flow.
Anyway, good solid premise with plenty of opportunities for conflict. Good luck with it.
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