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When Charles Aden, hotshot real estate attorney, is sent by his development firm to investigate the disappearance of Sam Carey, a key player in a lucrative real estate deal, it is business as usual. But when Charles discovers Sam?s dead, frozen body along with disturbing evidence that ties his firm to the murder, he realizes that his assignment is anything but routine. Charles Aden hunts a big city killer who hides his crimes in the snow-covered secrets of Almiiitey?Maine?s smallest small town.
Definitely not a logline. More of a mini-synopsis. This needs serious trimming, and the way to do that is to skin it to the bone. So, we've got Charles as the protagonist. We've got the discovery of the body as the inciting incident. We've got the hunt for the killer as the goal. We've also got theRead more
Definitely not a logline. More of a mini-synopsis. This needs serious trimming, and the way to do that is to skin it to the bone. So, we’ve got Charles as the protagonist. We’ve got the discovery of the body as the inciting incident. We’ve got the hunt for the killer as the goal. We’ve also got the evidence tying his firm to the murder, which is probably worth working in. We’ve got Almiiitey as the setting. I’d work with that and nothing more – there’s no other way I can see to keep the word limit down, and even that is pushing it.
Something like, “A hot shot real estate attorney dispatched to Maine’s smallest town discovers a client’s (?) body with evidence linking his firm to the murder, and is forced to hunt down the killer to get to the truth.”
Sam may not be a client, though, so insert appropriate replacing word. Also, would an attorney really be working in such an investigative capacity, actually ascertaining the whereabouts of someone? Wouldn’t the firm employ a private investigator for that?
See lessWhen the FBI is implicated in a Mafia murder with two weeks to trial, a by-the-book female agent must go rogue to protect the only witness, an esteemed professor and alleged former hitman that she can?t trust ? and can?t help falling in love with.
For me this is too opaque. In what way is the FBI implicated in the Mafia murder? Do you mean that it looks as if someone in the FBI is in bed with the mob and this is what spurs the female agent to take the witness and bail? If so I don't think that's clear enough, so maybe clear that up in the firRead more
For me this is too opaque. In what way is the FBI implicated in the Mafia murder? Do you mean that it looks as if someone in the FBI is in bed with the mob and this is what spurs the female agent to take the witness and bail? If so I don’t think that’s clear enough, so maybe clear that up in the first section and then proceed. I think you could lose “female” agent and change “the” only witness to “her” only witness to cut down word count and still establish our heroine’s gender up front. And how important is his current job as a Professor? Could you save that for the read that and just go with “alleged former hitman”? Better yet, “alleged ex-hitman”? I’d lose “that”, as well – it’s one of those unnecessary adjoining words that doesn’t need to be in a logline. Think (ugh) newswriting here: nothing but the essentials. To that end, could you switch “can’t help falling in love with” to “can’t help falling for”? No meaning lost and you shave two whole words off.
It all adds up to something like, “With two weeks to trial and a mole in the ranks, a by-the-book FBI agent must go rogue to protect her only witness, an alleged ex-hitman she can’t trust – and can’t help falling for.”
Anyway, hope something of the above proves useful.
See lessWhen a teenage hitchhiker under the protection of an obsessed tracker is kidnapped by the same pack of werewolves he is hunting, his only chance to resuce her requires him to suppress his hatred and form an alliance with a rival pack.
Nitpicks out of the way first: I think "teenage" in this context should be "teenaged" - but not completely sure. "Recuse", obviously, needs to be "rescue". "Chance to rescue" would better-serve the line as "chance of rescuing", but that's personal preference. The concept I like a lot, but the loglinRead more
Nitpicks out of the way first: I think “teenage” in this context should be “teenaged” – but not completely sure. “Recuse”, obviously, needs to be “rescue”. “Chance to rescue” would better-serve the line as “chance of rescuing”, but that’s personal preference.
The concept I like a lot, but the logline is muddled. It took me a few read-throughs to glean that the central character is the tracker and not the hitchkiker because of how the sentence is constructed. I’d lead with the tracker to clear that up and proceed from there. Simply calling the hitchhiker “his” would, I think, be enough to establish his responsibility for her. Then, do you absolutely need the reference to suppressing his hatred? I understand why it’s there – to convey the hero’s inner conflict – but for the sake of brevity it could go. What faster way could you demonstrate that the alliance causes conflict? I’d go with the tried and true “uneasy alliance”. Something like, “When an obsessed tracker’s teenaged hitchhiker is kidnapped by the same pack of werewolves he is hunting, his only chance of rescuing her is an uneasy alliance with a rival pack.”
I’m sure there are less obvious phrases than “uneasy alliance” and I reckon you should look into those. Otherwise, strong concept and good luck with it.
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