1. Posted: June 9, 2023In:

    In this crisp horror comedy set in India, Rajeev, a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone, including spirits. With the help of Ayesha, a ghostly singer, they navigate a world of madness, confusion, spooky elements, and comedy, while evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.

    Lotcher Samurai

    Hi Tosbro, Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed. Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the most part, a red flag when it comes to loglinesRead more

    Hi Tosbro,

    Right off the bat, a face value analysis of your pitch will quickly find prevalence of unconventional logline qualities that need to be identified before they are subsequently addressed.

    Firstly, the inclusion of character names are, for the most part, a red flag when it comes to loglines; secondly, stating the genre of the story within the logline itself (in this case “comedy” is mentioned twice) is an even bigger red flag, and; lastly, the overall length and flow of the of the logline is, in my opinion, simply too long in word count.

    With this in mind we can try to make some adjustments to your logline in attempt to improve its effectiveness:

    Revision 1: “When a hearing-impaired Indian boy, stumbles upon a supernatural hearing aid that lets him eavesdrop on anyone – or anything – he befriends a ghostly singer so that he can better navigate this new world of maddening noise and confusion all whilst evading a Pakistani spy determined to snatch the hearing aid.”

    Despite whittling seven words off of the original logline, we are still well over the word budget. The next thing that I believe needs fixing is making the antagonist, “the Pakistani spy”, feel a bit more connected to the story. As of now he feels a bit tacked on to the story as a whole.

    Revision 2: “When a hearing-impaired Indian boy stumbles upon an otherworldly hearing device, he befriends the “angelic” voice of a dead tone-deaf singer so the both of them can better navigate this new world of maddening noise despite the increase dangerous hallucinations.”

    I will be honest, I couldn’t find any way to fix the antagonist issue, however I instead focused on trying to best allude to the horror-comedy nature of your original idea by means of pairing the (formerly) hearing-impaired protagonist with a tone-deaf angel. I will note that my edit of this logline remains a little bit too long, but if I alter it anymore I feel as though I will deviate too far from your original pitch.

    Thank you for reading, and please make of this review what you will.

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  2. Posted: October 3, 2022In:

    A woman tries to engage with her dysfunctional biological family after she learns that her late loving and caring mother abducted her as a baby.

    Lotcher Samurai

    Hmm... Well it seems you have identified a compelling theme with, "is blood thicker than water?" being the dramatic question of your story. As far as the logline is concerned I would double down on pitching that core aspect of your narrative because that is where the heart of the story is. In whichRead more

    Hmm… Well it seems you have identified a compelling theme with, “is blood thicker than water?” being the dramatic question of your story. As far as the logline is concerned I would double down on pitching that core aspect of your narrative because that is where the heart of the story is. In which case it will make more sense to describe the protagonist as a cancer patient (as opposed to “a woman”). By deliberately getting the “illness” aspect of the story mentioned in as few words, you are essentially allowing more room to explain the family dynamic as it relates to the theme of the story.

    Before going any further in developing the logline I just need a few details regarding the plot clarified:

    1) Is the loving mother alive at the start of the screenplay or has she already passed away by page 1?

    2) Does the mother appear predominantly in flashbacks, or is she referenced more-or-less in conversation?

    3) What is the inciting Incident?

    4) Does the ending answer the theme of “is blood thicker than water,” or does the ending leave this question open-ended and/or ambiguous?

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  3. Posted: October 9, 2022In:

    A disgraced cop, offered the chance to regain custody of his son unearths a hidden layer of secrets of those involved within and outside the law when he must catch a serial killer before more children die.

    Lotcher Samurai

    I like the idea of your story but felt the logline could do with a bit more work. Here's a rewrite for your consideration. Use it as your own if it suits your story. "Despite risk of becoming the scapegoat of a corrupt police force, an honest cop commits unwarranted intervention against a child killRead more

    I like the idea of your story but felt the logline could do with a bit more work. Here’s a rewrite for your consideration. Use it as your own if it suits your story.

    “Despite risk of becoming the scapegoat of a corrupt police force, an honest cop commits unwarranted intervention against a child killer thus hindering his chance of regaining custody of his son.”

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