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A strict, mean and no nonsense man in his mid thirties must learn compassion after he realises he has just 12 hours left to live.
Hi Eta, Logline formula is usually made up of the following components: [Protagonist] + [Inciting Incident] + [Action/Goal] + [Antagonist and/or Antagonistic Force]. So far your logline when broken down into its fundamentals appears as such: Protagonist: "A strict, mean and no nonsense man in his miRead more
Hi Eta,
Logline formula is usually made up of the following components: [Protagonist] + [Inciting Incident] + [Action/Goal] + [Antagonist and/or Antagonistic Force].
So far your logline when broken down into its fundamentals appears as such:
Protagonist: “A strict, mean and no nonsense man in his mid thirties.” This character description is too long and should be reduced to something a bit more like, “a no nonsense [man]”. Try to find a better word for “man,” maybe try something that helps imply that sense of strict and mean. A no nonsense ex-street fighter for example is a much more concise and servicable character description that gives me a clearer image in my head. Don’t worry about character age unless it is 100% necessary. As far as this logline is concerned it will benefit greatly without it.
Action/Goal: To “learn compassion?” This needs more attention. Character goals can help us understand where the character comes from, and where where they’re going. I have no clue how compassion alone is going to have much significance in the grand scheme of the protagonist’s world. Ask yourself why must the protagonist learn compassion, and what will compassion help him achieve?
Antagonist/Antagonistic Force: Not really stated. The only obstacle is the short time frame he has to learn compassion.
Inciting Incident: “He has just 12 hours to live.”
I think there is a lot of room for improvement here since you currently have a character that has a call to action, but we just don’t know what that action entails. Loglines are most effective when they put a clear image into the reader’s head. This logline has a lot of blanks to fill in (and that’s fine, it just needs some work).
Given that I don’t know much about your story I can only provide some off the fundamental tools to help rewrite your logline. Here are some templates to help you rewrite your logline:
“A no nonsense [man] must [Goal/Action] because [Antagonistic Force] when he learns he has just 12 hours to live.”
Or
“Having learned he has just 12 hours to live, a no nonsense [man] must [Goal/Action] because [Antagonistic Force].”
Excited to read a revision of yours. Any questions please ask.
See lessA woman tries to engage with her dysfunctional biological family after she learns that her late loving and caring mother abducted her as a baby.
I think the, "hoping to get assistance with her medical issues," bit sounds a little bit vauge and it makes the protagonist's actions come off as a bit passive. (She "hopes" being the main culprit of making her goal sound passive.) If anything you might want to swap this detail and maybe focus on thRead more
I think the, “hoping to get assistance with her medical issues,” bit sounds a little bit vauge and it makes the protagonist’s actions come off as a bit passive. (She “hopes” being the main culprit of making her goal sound passive.)
If anything you might want to swap this detail and maybe focus on the dynamic that the protagonist’s “mother” was loving whereas the biological family are not.
If not then you might have to omit that detail too in order to best explain the medical situation in the logline in a more meaningful manner. Example:
“A young woman must convince her rejecting biological family to sign her up for an expensive experimental medical procedure that she’s too young to legally sign herself.”
I tried to explain both the dynamic between the “late loving abducting mother” and the “dysfunctional biological family” but this dynamic, when paired with the nature of the medical issue bloats the logline to nearly 40 words. It seems, in order to keep that word count concise, that focus must be made on either the “abduction dynamic” or the “medical issue”. Only then can a sense of focus be implied to the logline.
See lessA woman tries to engage with her dysfunctional biological family after she learns that her late loving and caring mother abducted her as a baby.
I like the premise but I feel like the logline might benefit by having the inciting incident (or so I assume) occur at the start of the logline. Here's an alternate logline for you consideration: "With the revelation that her late mother abducted her, a woman must confront an even harsher reality asRead more
I like the premise but I feel like the logline might benefit by having the inciting incident (or so I assume) occur at the start of the logline.
Here’s an alternate logline for you consideration:
“With the revelation that her late mother abducted her, a woman must confront an even harsher reality as relations with her biological family rapidly deteriorate.”
See less