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When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him.
Opening moment is strong, but mostly makes me want to watch Indiana Jones. Try and add a wrinkle to your opening that makes this feel more distinct. Seconding Jeremy's he must comment, will give some drive to the second half of this story. I think you need to declutter your narrative. As trevor mentRead more
Opening moment is strong, but mostly makes me want to watch Indiana Jones. Try and add a wrinkle to your opening that makes this feel more distinct.
Seconding Jeremy’s he must comment, will give some drive to the second half of this story.
I think you need to declutter your narrative. As trevor mentions, it becomes all mcguffins and little story. The ‘to release their grip on him’ part is the most confusing, as I don’t know if thats the sea creature, the secrets of atlantis, the crystal or the talisman knight that has a grip on him.
As the others have said, fix spelling issues, a great app to download is called Grammarly, they have a free version that covers all the basics for you.
Similarly, there is a lot of unecessary add ons here. You’re currently at 56 words, but you easily could drop down at at least 45, which would improve the flow and readability.
See lessWhen two friends wake up to a sunless morning, they learn their roommate hasn’t come home from last night. After a failure to contact him or anyone else, they venture outside in an attempt to understand this anomaly.
Such a cool premise, but with so much going on it makes this quite a hefty logline. When two confused friends wake up to a sunless morning, they must venture outside to find their roommate who never came home and figure out this anomaly. This does remove the making contact part, but I think that's nRead more
Such a cool premise, but with so much going on it makes this quite a hefty logline.
When two confused friends wake up to a sunless morning, they must venture outside to find their roommate who never came home and figure out this anomaly.
This does remove the making contact part, but I think that’s not the most crucial information here and is better left out for the sake of brevity
See lessWhen a random YouTube sermon triggered guilty conscience in her, a primary school teacher must search for her elderly couple victims to confess her actions.
Logline is a touch long-winded and I think there are some missed opportunities. I feel like a random youtube sermon doesn't quite have the intrigue of just a regular sermon in a church (assuming it's religious). It's more visually stimulating and offers more insight into this character that you coulRead more
Logline is a touch long-winded and I think there are some missed opportunities.
I feel like a random youtube sermon doesn’t quite have the intrigue of just a regular sermon in a church (assuming it’s religious). It’s more visually stimulating and offers more insight into this character that you could delve into.
Maybe something along the lines of:
See lessWhen a sermon triggers her guilty conscience, a primary school teacher must confess her actions to those she harmed.