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A cynical sellsword joins forces with a mysterious traveler to conceal a wish-granting treasure when he learns that the King who hired him to find it will use it to become an all-powerful tyrant.
The protagonist should never be forced to go on his quest. He MUST go willingly into the second act. I feel like I'm missing some information. Who is the crown fighting? Surely everyone is questing after this? We need to understand why it's so important the travellers get there first. What happens iRead more
The protagonist should never be forced to go on his quest. He MUST go willingly into the second act.
I feel like I’m missing some information. Who is the crown fighting? Surely everyone is questing after this? We need to understand why it’s so important the travellers get there first. What happens if the crown gets it? Basically, we need to know what’s at stake.
The problem is with wish-granting artefacts is that it could just be the ultimate deus ex machina. Aladdin works because nobody knows he has it, he can be selfish if he wants and nobody will judge him but himself (and the genie, a rug, and a monkey obvs) – neatly giving him his arc. Thanos works because he wants only one thing. No wishing for more wishes. He doesn’t want the power, even going so far as to destroy it. So without knowing what the goal is for the wishes on either side of the equation, it’s difficult to know what this is really about. The goal isn’t to get the treasure – it’s what you do with it next. I think the reader needs that piece of info.
Surely a wish-granting treasure doesn’t need to be weaponised. You just wish your enemies gone. You don’t need weapons anymore.
Does he go from cynic to believer?
Hope this helps in some way.
See lessA demonically supercharged serial killer dupes his way into a single mother’s life which rouses a talented FBI agent from retirement and awakens Poseidon.
A logline isn't about mystery, it's about providing a concise summary of the plot up to either the midpoint or end of Act II using (ideally) no more than 40 words phrased as a single sentence. Hide the mystery and, as is frequently the case, it simply doesn't make sense. Or you bury the hook. EitheRead more
A logline isn’t about mystery, it’s about providing a concise summary of the plot up to either the midpoint or end of Act II using (ideally) no more than 40 words phrased as a single sentence.
Hide the mystery and, as is frequently the case, it simply doesn’t make sense. Or you bury the hook. Either way, it massively damages your chances of your script being read by anyone. So, yeah, I might get the gist if I read it, but I’m not as likely to read it if I don’t know what I’m reading. The beauty of a logline is that it’s not supposed (in my opinion – two schools of thought here) to give away the ending. So there is still that mystery but it’s the curiosity over what happens to the hero. What it’s most definitely not, is mystery over what the plot is actually about.
See lessA demonically supercharged serial killer dupes his way into a single mother’s life which rouses a talented FBI agent from retirement and awakens Poseidon.
What's Poseidon got to do with it? How is a completely normal FBI agent with no superpowers supposed to stand his own against a superpowered serial killer? How does him duping his way into a single mother's life get any attention from the FBI? If they're watching him this closely, they'd have arrestRead more
What’s Poseidon got to do with it? How is a completely normal FBI agent with no superpowers supposed to stand his own against a superpowered serial killer? How does him duping his way into a single mother’s life get any attention from the FBI? If they’re watching him this closely, they’d have arrested him already… surely?!
I think this idea is just very confused. It starts off like a rom-com, then into a crime thriller, and finally ends with Poseidon.
Who’s the protagonist? A serial killer? Who, incidentally, is not trying to kill anyone. If it is the serial killer, what’s his goal?
I think some thought needs to go into what this story is supposed to be about and why. Sometimes, simplicity is the answer. Why not strip this back to a serial killer falls in love with the single mother whom he planned to kill.
As a side note, please keep future versions of this logline within one post. It’s really useful for users to see the evolution of the idea and the corresponding feedback.
Hope this helps in some way.
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