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When a disgraced schoolgirl is sent home, she finds her rural outback town dying. With everything hopeless, she sets about to remake the town, fighting with corrupt politicians, billionaire mining magnets and ?apathetic ?townspeople to create a prosperous future.
When you say "schoolgirl" do you mean 5 year old or 15 year old? I'm assuming that she's at a boarding school or similar? This makes a pretty big difference to the story and it's the sort of thing that a reader will struggle to visualise if you're not more specific. yqwertz's feedback is great. I agRead more
When you say “schoolgirl” do you mean 5 year old or 15 year old? I’m assuming that she’s at a boarding school or similar? This makes a pretty big difference to the story and it’s the sort of thing that a reader will struggle to visualise if you’re not more specific.
yqwertz’s feedback is great. I agree that the I.I. and the goal are currently just simply too broad. I struggle to visualise any of it because there seems like so much for her to do and I don’t understand how a schoolgirl has the ability to do all of that.
yqwertz’s version is really good. I would take that as a starting point and adapt that into the story you want to tell. Narrow the scope and give us some more specifics.
Definitely think there’s a story in here though so stick with it!
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a small town is terrorized by killer deer, an underachieving Park Ranger and her trainee must track down the source of the outbreak while keeping themselves and the townspeople from becoming the endangered species.
I'm with dpg. The words zombie deer NEED to be in your logline! When a small town is terrorised by zombie deer... Loving it!
I’m with dpg. The words zombie deer NEED to be in your logline!
When a small town is terrorised by zombie deer…
Loving it!
See lessWhen a small town is terrorized by killer deer, an underachieving Park Ranger and her trainee must track down the source of the outbreak while keeping themselves and the townspeople from becoming the endangered species.
Only thing I think could be addressed... I'm being pretty picky because it's already a strong logline IMO. "track down the source of the outbreak" And then what? What are they going to do when they discover this cause? Kill all the deer? Find a cure? How do they keep the townspeople safe while they'Read more
Only thing I think could be addressed… I’m being pretty picky because it’s already a strong logline IMO.
“track down the source of the outbreak”
And then what? What are they going to do when they discover this cause? Kill all the deer? Find a cure?
How do they keep the townspeople safe while they’re off tracking the cure?
Again, I’m being super picky! I think it might be worth addressing the “track the source….” bit. You don’t want to give us the ending, but what do they actually set out to do? You don’t track down the source without any idea what to do next…. although?you could have that as part of a scene Ranger: “We need to track down the source of the outbreak” Trainee: “ok… and then what?” Park Ranger: “I’m going to figure that out on the way”.
Why deer out of curiosity?
Anyway… like I say, nice work! I’d watch it.
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