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In a world where 99% of the world population are capable of communicating telepathically, a young librarian who is part of the 1%? that does not have the ability, falls in love with a girl who can read his every thought.
I'd recommend reading the Chaos Walking trilogy by Patrick Ness. It has a similar idea but the hook (at least initially) is that in a community of all men, where everyone can see/hear everyone's thoughts (even animals), a boy (I think he's 12) suddenly finds a patch of silence. That silence belongsRead more
I’d recommend reading the Chaos Walking trilogy by Patrick Ness. It has a similar idea but the hook (at least initially) is that in a community of all men, where everyone can see/hear everyone’s thoughts (even animals), a boy (I think he’s 12) suddenly finds a patch of silence. That silence belongs to a 12 year old girl. She is the only one who’s thoughts he can’t see and he’s never experienced that so he doesn’t know what to do.
By making it something that flips his world upside down it makes it interesting/scary/new/exciting/different for the character, and by extension the reader/audience.
Why is your protagonist a librarian? What bearing does it have on the story?
See lesswhen she discovered she is a mixed-breed of both angel and demon, fiona must do all she can to protect those she loves from the demons who are trying to take over the world as the angels question her loyalty.
As per every version of this logline, we don't need her name. It doesn't add anything to the story. Instead give us something that tells us who she is. The story would be very different if she was described as "cautious" compared to "reckless" for example. Do your protagonist the courtesy of makingRead more
As per every version of this logline, we don’t need her name. It doesn’t add anything to the story. Instead give us something that tells us who she is. The story would be very different if she was described as “cautious” compared to “reckless” for example. Do your protagonist the courtesy of making her a person… not just a name.
After her discovery, why does that automatically mean she gets involved in the war? What specifically makes her either want or have to get involved? That’s more likely your inciting incident rather than just her discovery. It’s similar to a superhero logline – the inciting incident isn’t the discovery of superpowers, it’s the arrival of the supervillain.
If the demons are trying to take over the world, surely her goal is to save the world not just her loved ones?
Does she have special abilities if she is half angel half demon? How does she discover this information? Is she the only one who can end this war? Is there a prophecy about her?
At the moment, I think I’m just struggling to get excited about the story as the logline doesn’t make it sound as EPIC as it could be. Angels, demons, end of the world and a half breed… it should feel like a BIG story on a global scale but at the moment it’s just a small story about a girl and her family.
Hope this helps.
See lessEngland 1962. Two teenage sisters, sibling rivals who argue over everything, go to an all-night party that launches their career as pop singers. Will they rocket to stardom or fizzle out like a defective cherry bomb?
Check out the Formula page to help with formatting or, even better, use the awesome Generator that makes the whole process easier. Is one of these sisters the protagonist? Or is it a dual protagonist story? Or is one more of the antagonist? Who discovers them? What must they do to get the stardom thRead more
Check out the Formula page to help with formatting or, even better, use the awesome Generator that makes the whole process easier.
Is one of these sisters the protagonist? Or is it a dual protagonist story? Or is one more of the antagonist? Who discovers them? What must they do to get the stardom they want (assuming that’s what they want)?
At the moment, simply based on this logline, these two characters feel like they’re being dragged through the story. They are discovered accidentally and whether they are successful or not doesn’t seem to be determined by them. The protagonist(s) must be proactive. They must be making choices and though the conflicts that arise from these choices we get our story.
How is this going to be different to films like A Star is Born or Bohemian Rhapsody?
Hope this helps.
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