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Sex Magic, witchcraft, pornography charges, tabloid headlines ? In 1950s Sydney, Rosaleen Norton was extremely naughty, but did the scandals overshadow an artistic genius?
This is more of a tagline than a logline. A logline is designed to sum up the story in one sentence in as fewer words as possible - ideally under 35. This site not only has a great Formula page that explains all the different elements making up a logline, but now there is also a logline generator (lRead more
This is more of a tagline than a logline.
A logline is designed to sum up the story in one sentence in as fewer words as possible – ideally under 35.
This site not only has a great Formula page that explains all the different elements making up a logline, but now there is also a logline generator (link in the top navigation).
Whilst what you’ve written paints an interesting picture of this character, a reader of a logline will need to know more specifically what the story is about. The story could be about a 1950s artistic genius, but it could be set in modern day with an enthusiastic reporter uncovering her life’s work and trying to change people’s perceptions of her.
With that in mind, and having checked out the formula and generator pages, give us a logline that tells us exactly what’s going to happen in the story. Inciting incident, protagonist, and goal (minimum).
Only other thing worth mentioning is that the usual practice for using names in a logline is not to as it takes up valuable words and adds nothing. Biographies can be an exception but usually only when the person in question is well known enough so that the name carries weight. It might be that Rosaleen Norton is very well known in Australia so by all means leave it in, but if she’s not that well known, consider using those two words to describe her instead so we know more about who she was. This is assuming that she’s the protagonist. I, personally, like the idea of somebody else looking back on her life and trying to prove that she was an artistic genius and change people’s perceptions of her but I have no idea if this is the story you want to tell.
Hope this helps.
See lessA 15 year old child prodigy who was born with amazing powers and abilities must unwittingly use those powers to save the city of Boston from a psychotic superpowered cult leader with the help of his equally reluctant and estranged grandfather…a former criminal genius supervillain.
Why does the cult leader want to destroy a city? What's he hoping to achieve by doing this? I find a good exercise for writing a believable villain is to write a logline from their perspective too. No hero should be unwilling. They may be hesitant to start but ultimately they have to choose to stepRead more
Why does the cult leader want to destroy a city? What’s he hoping to achieve by doing this? I find a good exercise for writing a believable villain is to write a logline from their perspective too.
No hero should be unwilling. They may be hesitant to start but ultimately they have to choose to step into Act II. The grandfather character can totally be reluctant, but as soon as the hero makes that decision to use their powers for good he HAS to stick to it.
Seems to be a lot of superpowers floating around in this world. Are there more people with powers? If so, why is it this 15 year old who has to do something? If not, how are you going to explain them? Every single superhero has an explanation for their abilities. They’re aliens, bitten by a radioactive spider, built a suit, created by man, etc, etc. So far, I feel like we have to accept a world where someone can just be born with powers. Oh but his grandfather has powers too. Oh and this other dude. It starts getting a bit problematic in my head. How do you see this working?
In your revised version, the whole “disappearance of a family friend and injuring of his brother” really doesn’t add anything. It doesn’t seem to relate to the supervillain in any way either. Accepting his powers and going after the main villain is the climax of Act 1.
I really like the super boy and super grandpa dynamic so stick with this but figure out what’s important, what’s the main spine of the story and write the logline around that. I liked the way you ended with the whole “working ?with grandpa” bit… it adds a great comedic twist on the story and helps me imagine the tone of the film better. I hope that’s what you were intending. Give us a 3 dimensional bad guy too.
Hope this helps.
See less?When people across the US suddenly start descending into unexplained comas as the hit their 35th birthday, a pro-vaccine doctor and his 34 year old daughter discover a link to a preservative added to vaccine shots 40 years ago and begin to push the most powerful pharmaceutical company in the world for answers.? (1 Hour TV Drama) Updated Version.
I feel like there will most definitely be a shorter way of saying this. I think there's a few bits that are over-explained a little and we can probably trim them down a bit.From a story perspective, surely the vaccinations weren't just all made 40 years ago. They'd be produced daily. So what's actuaRead more
I feel like there will most definitely be a shorter way of saying this. I think there’s a few bits that are over-explained a little and we can probably trim them down a bit.
From a story perspective, surely the vaccinations weren’t just all made 40 years ago. They’d be produced daily. So what’s actually happening that will cause people, say someone who had the vaccine 5 years ago and another 30 years ago, to both potentially be at risk? This has to be believable whilst not necessarily accurate. It may work better if there’s a dormant enzyme (I’m not a scientist so bear with me) that only activates when it’s been in the human body for a prolonged period of time. It affects some people quicker than others but there is still a period that it is “safe” for. Now stick his daughter just coming to end of that “safe” period and you’re upping the tension and giving us a ticking clock. In addition to this, make it more extreme than just blacking out. Make it something that is potentially life-threatening (I get that blackouts could be if they’re driving or whatever but still). Make it something like slipping into a coma or go into a vegetative state. Something that is curable but requires hospitalisation. This then adds pressure to the health care industry and adds another story strand – there’d be a lot of people under 40 there – but also provides a perfect set up for why this disgraced doctor would be allowed back in. They need the staff.
Anyway… back to the logline.
Inciting incident – there are two currently: people blacking out and his discovery. I think that with a few tweaks you could make this one whilst still suggesting everything you have so far. The I.I. should be the blackouts as this sets up his goal. The discovery is part of his journey towards the goal.
“once famous now discredited doctor” – 5 words. I get that you want to suggest some sort of redemption arc with him but I wonder if just saying something like “disgraced doctor” would suffice for a logline. The fact that his daughter is affected is interesting and adds a personal angle but I almost feel like that’s the B story – his internal arc is redemption, that’s his primary internal goal. I could go either way on this but based on how you’ve framed the rest of it I’d say remove that for now.
Goal – find the truth. That works.
Ok, so let’s trim it down.
“When people across the US begin slipping into vegetative states after their 35th birthday, a disgraced immunologist and his 34 year old daughter go on a quest for answers that leads them to the most powerful pharmaceutical company in the world.”
Sure there’s still issues with the above but hope this helps.
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