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After a string of murders in rooms sinisterly decorated like scenes out of children?s books, a burned-out detective must connect the victims and follow the clues back into his own past to stop the killer
Thanks for the feedback. Incredibly useful comments. Each of the rooms where the police find a body is made to look like a well known scene from a children's story - but much more sinister. For example, the Mad Hatter's tea party, or, as the first one they find will be, the Darling's nursery from PeRead more
Thanks for the feedback. Incredibly useful comments.
Each of the rooms where the police find a body is made to look like a well known scene from a children’s story – but much more sinister. For example, the Mad Hatter’s tea party, or, as the first one they find will be, the Darling’s nursery from Peter Pan. In this first room, a note is on the body signed Peter Pan. I struggled to find a succinct way of describing this but it’s the killer’s calling card and the hook so I can probably get away with a few extra words if I need them. All suggestions welcome.
“Burned out” is a good way to describe him.
The clues back to his own past are an MPR discovery. When he was a rookie, he was the arresting officer of a paedophile?who was eventually let out on a technicality. This man then went on to abuse more children. The rookie was a bit outspoken about what he saw as a failing of justice. Since then he’s always been very by the book, keen to stop that happening again but because of his outburst he’s always been penalised and passed over for promotion. This all adds to him being burned out. The midpoint discovery is that all of the victims are grooming children online (unknown to law enforcement) and the killer personally wants this detective on the case. The killer turns out to be one of the boys who was abused after the paedophile was released but that might be saved for the end of Act II.
Thanks again.
See lessA jaded billionaire and business executive sends an amateur reporter on a wild goose hunt, only to have the reporter uncover a dark decade long conspiracy with the executive at the center of it.
dpg's feedback is spot on as usual. Really not much else I can add. I'm definitely intrigued... but, as dpg said, there's some information that I need first to understand the story better. The answer to 'why does the billionaire send her on this quest'. It has a Chinatown feel about it which is greaRead more
dpg’s feedback is spot on as usual. Really not much else I can add.
I’m definitely intrigued… but, as dpg said, there’s some information that I need first to understand the story better. The answer to ‘why does the billionaire send her on this quest’.
It has a Chinatown feel about it which is great but I just want a little more to understand the motivations.
I also think, if the reporter is the protagonist, it should be written more from her perspective. In this case, the inciting incident would likely be the moment the reporter receives her first clue about the conspiracy. We get 5 words to describe the exec and only 2 for the reporter. 2 is all we need but one of those should give us something interesting about the reporter. ?A character flaw or trait.
Hope this helps.
See lessIs there any relationship between a story logline and script?
The logline is a concise summary of the story in 35 words or less. It should cover the inciting incident, the protagonist and their goal as a minimum. Ideally it should also cover?the stakes, the antagonistic forces working against them, and (optional) a ticking clock. Once you have a strong loglineRead more
The logline is a concise summary of the story in 35 words or less. It should cover the inciting incident, the protagonist and their goal as a minimum. Ideally it should also cover?the stakes, the antagonistic forces working against them, and (optional) a ticking clock.
Once you have a strong logline, you can then progress to writing a synopsis that unpacks the logline and goes into greater detail. You can write short or long versions of a synopsis, it’s whatever works for you. You can also create a board – a collection of ideas for scenes that show the story progressing.
From here, you can begin writing the script, continually using the logline, synopsis, and whatever other preperation you’ve chosen to do to as a reference point.
The logline and script are two different ways of telling the same story. The logline is the baby and the script is the logline all grown up – but it’s the same person.
Hope this helps.
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