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A happy house wife is kidnapped when she finds her husband, a reformed crime lord, back in the act of committing dark evil crimes, leaving him to decide whether or not to save her and how it will affect his empire and himself if he does.
Agree with Richiev. If the house wife is the protagonist, write the whole thing from her perspective. If the husband is the protagonist, write the inciting incident from the husband's perspective. Genre as romance...? There may be elements of romance in there but my gut feeling is that this is moreRead more
Agree with Richiev.
If the house wife is the protagonist, write the whole thing from her perspective. If the husband is the protagonist, write the inciting incident from the husband’s perspective.
Genre as romance…? There may be elements of romance in there but my gut feeling is that this is more of a crime film.
Who actually kidnaps the wife? From this logline it sounds a bit like the husband is behind it but I’m pretty sure that’s not the case given that he then has to decide whether or not to save her. With any logline, it’s important not to confuse the reader or leave anything open to interpretation. The words you write in a logline are the only thing that is going to get someone to pick up your script so make every single one count and make sure they are reading the same version of the story that is in your head.
As a goal, making a decision is not a great one. Imagine watching someone, even the best actor in the world, making a decision. It’s all happening inside the actor’s head. You need a goal that requires action that can be seen on screen.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a deceitful cult leader?s doomsday prophecy comes true, his followers refuse to believe he?s not a prophet, despite his panicked confession, forcing him to take responsibility and find refuge for them all before the asteroid strikes.
I like the premise for this but I think it's worded in a slightly confusing way. I've got to ask though... why is he forced to take responsibility? Why doesn't he just run away? He's deceitful - why not a coward too? I feel like I need more to understand his motives for sticking around. Hope this heRead more
I like the premise for this but I think it’s worded in a slightly confusing way.
I’ve got to ask though… why is he forced to take responsibility? Why doesn’t he just run away? He’s deceitful – why not a coward too? I feel like I need more to understand his motives for sticking around.
Hope this helps.
See lessIn order to register their young daughter in a private school, a self-entitled couple decides to rob a bank, but things take a turn when the robbery goes wrong and they are forced to run.
As Richiev has pointed out, why do we want these people to succeed? You've called them self-entitled and they don't just want to pay for the their daughter's education - they want her to go to private school... how are you going to make them likeable? Why is the audience going to care? Inciting inciRead more
As Richiev has pointed out, why do we want these people to succeed? You’ve called them self-entitled and they don’t just want to pay for the their daughter’s education – they want her to go to private school… how are you going to make them likeable? Why is the audience going to care?
Inciting incident – currently, the inciting incident is kinda missing. I understand that they want to register their daughter in private school but the reason for this desire needs to to be summed up in the inciting incident. This is a great opportunity to provide the protagonists with a noble motive that the audience can get behind.
Protagonist – I’d consider picking one of the two parents as the lead and suggesting a character arc with a characteristic. Self-entitled to humble works although it needs to be carefully written to make the character likeable, as mentioned previously.
Goal – Currently, although I know why they robbed the bank the logline seems to launch into a secondary story with its own inciting incident (the robbery going wrong). This sets up a goal of not being caught but I struggle to see how they get back round to the initial goal of getting their daughter into private school when they’re on the run…
I would focus on the daughter and the personal element and get rid of the robbery going wrong stuff. It doesn’t mean it can’t be in the story but if you give us a good inciting incident, like the daughter being bullied and taken out of school or something, then the bank robbery makes sense and you can leave it at that.
Hope this helps.
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