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A young wife seeks revenge after catching her husband cheating, and with the help of her eccentric friends, creates an online business that names and shames unfaithful men.
Agree with giannisggeorgiou. What is the goal? They want to name and shame unfaithful men but to what end? Is there a better way to describe the protagonist other than just "young wife". Using the words "her husband" already gives us that the wife bit and "young" doesn't hold much bearing on the stoRead more
Agree with giannisggeorgiou. What is the goal? They want to name and shame unfaithful men but to what end?
Is there a better way to describe the protagonist other than just “young wife”. Using the words “her husband” already gives us that the wife bit and “young” doesn’t hold much bearing on the story so in my mind you have two words where you can give us some more details. As?giannisggeorgiou pointed out, you could focus on her inner journey – her character arc.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhile celebrating at an exclusive costume ball, a group of superrich Singaporeans is lured away by sexy aliens and now must save Earth from being taken over by superrich aliens looking to add Earth to their coffers.
Are the sexy aliens and the superrich aliens the same aliens? Why are the superrich Singaporeans lured away by the sexy aliens? Why are these guys the protagonists? Inciting incident - I guess that's the superrich Singaporeans being lured away - it doesn't really set up a goal though. The inciting iRead more
Are the sexy aliens and the superrich aliens the same aliens? Why are the superrich Singaporeans lured away by the sexy aliens? Why are these guys the protagonists?
Inciting incident – I guess that’s the superrich Singaporeans being lured away – it doesn’t really set up a goal though. The inciting incident really should be the moment they discover that the world is in danger. You can definitely drop the whole costume ball bit as it holds no bearing on the story at all (or if it does it’s not apparent). What you really need to do though is make sure the inciting incident ties up with the goal. They are a question and an answer – the inciting incident poses a question to the protagonist(s) and the goal is how they plan on answering it.
Protagonist – I think you need to pick one protagonist. It’s much easier to write (and watch) a story when there is one central protagonist. It allows time for the audience to get to know a character and empathise with them in order to ultimately care whether they win or lose. We need to understand why we’re following this (these) character(s) though. Why does the fact they’re superrich Singaporeans make a difference? Is the fact they’re superrich relevant? Or where they’re from? Everything in your logline (and your story) must have a purpose.
Goal – to save the Earth – great! But from what? What’s the actual threat? If these aliens are benevolent beings who take care of the earth and everyone in it…? I think we need some stakes to understand what happens if these Singaporeans fail.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen financial instability forces him to teach English to immigrants, a heartbroken, over-imaginative New Yorker must help a ragtag bunch of foreigners pass the class or risk losing what little he has left.
I agree with Richiev. There needs to be a single moment that shows this financial instability - foreclosure warning letter or something. "Heartbroken" - I think there could be a better characteristic or just remove altogether. There is no suggestion as to why he's heartbroken and the story doesn't sRead more
I agree with Richiev. There needs to be a single moment that shows this financial instability – foreclosure warning letter or something.
“Heartbroken” – I think there could be a better characteristic or just remove altogether. There is no suggestion as to why he’s heartbroken and the story doesn’t seem to suggest a resolution to this.
“Over-imaginative” – what does this tell us about the character in relation to the story? What is his character arc?
See less