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Do you think this would work for a limited tv series?
I like the premise for this. As a logline it could do with trimming down and, as Richiev suggested, clarifying who the antagonists are and what happened in the inciting incident. This is the event that is starting the whole series - it must be clear, concise, and strong enough to sustain a whole serRead more
I like the premise for this. As a logline it could do with trimming down and, as Richiev suggested, clarifying who the antagonists are and what happened in the inciting incident. This is the event that is starting the whole series – it must be clear, concise, and strong enough to sustain a whole series. You definitely have that but you just need a little more clarity.
I don’t think you need to specify what about the kids makes them unique… kids are tough regardless and in these circumstances it’ll be easy to understand that life is going be hard without adding these to the word count.
A definable goal is a good way to proceed so the reader feels like there will be finite ending to the series. It just depends what you see that goal being. What is she searching for?
Hope this helps.
See lessA god-fearing headmistress explores ungodly means to help an underage student cut off from his toxic parents.
Agree with Richiev's comments. I thought the same thing when you posted the revision. Love the direction this goes in but it's definitely worth keeping the reveal a secret. However, I can't help but wonder why she doesn't just go to the authorities. Why does she have to take such extreme methods. WiRead more
Agree with Richiev’s comments. I thought the same thing when you posted the revision. Love the direction this goes in but it’s definitely worth keeping the reveal a secret. However, I can’t help but wonder why she doesn’t just go to the authorities. Why does she have to take such extreme methods. With any story you have to make sure that the audience aren’t just sitting there going “can’t they just….?”
You just need an inciting incident really. I would consider losing “god-fearing” and “ungodly means”. It would be better if you gave us something that could suggest her arc. What’s her emotional journey going to be? “Ungodly means” – what does this mean? Without giving away too much is there a better way to say the lengths she’s prepared to go and why.
I think if she’s a headmistress and he’s a student it’s a fair to assume he’s underage so I’m not sure it’s important to include this. Perhaps you could include a characteristic for the student though… he’s a huge part of this story so it might be worth fleshing him out a little.
Hope this helps.
See lessA boarding school with an all-women faculty is rocked with the suicide of a student, whose parents are undergoing a messy public divorce, on the eve of its 30th anniversary. Thereby, leaving the headmistress in the crosshairs of his parents, the authorities, the press and her own conscience.
What's the suicide got to do with the headmistress? The school wasn't responsible for the suicide and doesn't seem to be at fault - based on this logline at least. It might be worth specifying that the suicide happened on school property as that will at least bring the headmistress into play. Why isRead more
What’s the suicide got to do with the headmistress? The school wasn’t responsible for the suicide and doesn’t seem to be at fault – based on this logline at least. It might be worth specifying that the suicide happened on school property as that will at least bring the headmistress into play.
Why is the fact the school has an all-female faculty relevant to the story? Or that the school is about to have its 30th anniversary? If the story is about how the school deals with the suicide of a student then, in the logline at least, the reason for the suicide is somewhat redundant.
I think the idea of how a student suicide might affect the students and faculty at any school is an idea worth exploring but it’s worth checking the “Our formula” page for help with formatting.
You have a good inciting incident but I’m not sure that the headmistress’s goals are at present. This logline is basically just one long setup. What happens next?
Give us more information about this headmistress. What’s going to be her arc for the story? Give the reader some clue how she will deal with this conflict.
Hope this helps.
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